The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Let’s talk about the society and problems I am encountering.

During my research, I spiraled from incredible stress, to my mental health deteriorating to a physical manifestation, that resulted in me almost ending up hospitalized. I was so weak and tired I could barely sit for 30 minutes before falling asleep.  Intellectually, I know I am capable of doing a masters, no problem.  But I am in no way willing to compromise my mental or physical health for it.  I would rather end up in an ice cream shop than compromise it.  This was why I almost dismissed research entirely.  My health is the one thing to me right now that is worth more than work.  Here is an article that sums up my feelings well.

I feel like I live outside the bubble of society and am just an outsider staring in from a different perspective.  More and more, I find our culture as a whole to be incredibly fake and disingenuous.  What is with all these masks people put up?  I have come to realize there is no harm in being yourself, being open, and genuine in all your interactions.  How else do you get to know someone without this?  I am saddened about the superficiality and lack of genuine communication and consequently, lack of genuine connection because people are unwilling to open up easily.  It is difficult to find people who are willing to be themselves.


I know what I seek.

People who have profound thoughts, profound thinkers who are willing to discuss and articulate it are those who I relate to the best.  It’s something I’ve developed that I love doing.  They are commonly the ones who are most self-aware.  It is why I dislike conversations and talking with those younger and sometimes those older – often conversations are insincere or shallow.


“.. they found that the relationships that had lasted around five years tended to refer to how much they enjoyed their partner’s personality and their physical chemistry. They found that the relationships that lasted around 10 years tended to refer to how important communication was to working through any problems or trust issues. But they found, by far, the relationships that lasted 20 or more years almost universally said what kept them going beyond good communication, physical chemistry, and even trust was that they respected their partner.

Ever since then I’ve noticed how absolutely true this seems to be.” -Redditor

I agree.

I have a feeling..

Last guy who definitely liked me:

  • tried to justify everything I said as what he agreed on too
  • touched me on my back when I walked through a door, etc
  • created situations where we were alone
  • remembered details about me

This time, the guy I highly suspect likes me:

  • stood in front of me, facing me, way way too close (Feb 2?) more than once
  • mentioned single, previous dates, & exes
  • sided & agreed with my opinions and ideas
  • seemed to be trying to prove himself to me
  • remembered details about me
  • tries to respect my values and things I don’t do (eg. not drinking) by saying he wouldn’t bring X drink or drink at all

He ain’t half-bad looking, he’s pretty smart (although I am pretty damn stupid in politics and everything else..), we seem to have similar interests, and he seems socially well-adjusted.  Just.. uh, 5 years younger as far as I know.  F.  I need to weasel my age in somehow.  See if that makes a difference at all.  I don’t know what to do.  Stupid stupid stupid.  I need to fucking grad and see people my age.  I don’t want to make age a huge huge issue because I believe that getting along well mentally is far more important but damn, 5 years is a bit of a stretch..

One more guy I suspected briefly:

  • offered, not even second week into the job, to drive over to my place to bring me a book he thought could be useful for my work.  I told him to bring it to work instead.  Next day he said it may not be entirely relevant to my research and didn’t bring it.

My new list of things I look for.

  • Willing to be emotionally vulnerability
  • Empathetic
  • Willing to be themselves / genuine
  • Self acceptance; acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses
  • Open minded
  • Willingness to try new things
  • Love nature
  • Chemistry / connection
  • Profound, thoughtful thinkers
  • “I don’t need affection in that I’m fine being alone and don’t go stircrazy without it, but inside a relationship I really enjoy frequent physical affection. I like touch and cuddling, and I love getting spontaneous hugs, rubs, kisses, an arm around me. Not constantly, and I don’t want to be attached at the hip [or forced affection], but small gestures make me really happy.”

Recipes I’ve tried

Best Big, Fat, Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookie

Chocolate-y chocolate chip cookie

The definition of a Mind/Thought Dump.

I identify as being conscientious.

I now live out of a suitcase, job-hopping every couple months. Exploring’s fun and all, but forming new connections from scratch, constantly moving, and the stress of not knowing if I will have a job in a couple months, on TOP of dealing with the infuriating ___ is burning me out really bad. The point when I make good friends, is the point I leave again.

Interview questions:

-How would you describe the culture here at (job company)?
-How did this position come to be open?
-What does success look like for this position?
-What is the biggest achievement this department has made?
-What is the biggest challenge facing this department right now?
– Ask them for a brief summary of their time with the company. Favorite aspects, challenges, overall experience of working there.

What made you who you are today?  The ideals you believe in, the way you act or project yourself?

Today is the day I have battled months for. ____ paid me in full for work from March & April. It’s over.

Cool words to use in essays:


How I aim to be like every single day: A genuine person is someone who’s mindset is uneasily affected by those around them. Someone who is not only truthful to their peers but truthful to themselves. They are very self aware and do not feel the need to impress or change their character to suit the people who surround them.

To the guy I feel uncomfortable with, who I need to have a heart-to-heart to about how I feel: Just want to put things into perspective for the both of us, from my point of view. I hope I didn’t make you think too much after the hug, I like you but I’m not willing to do any more than that. Don’t attach to me, at all. I’m not willing to get emotionally involved right now. It’d be better for you to focus on your career. Just.. don’t halt your life for me. Regardless of what either of us felt, it was 2 dates. I like you so far, but I can’t commit to you. I’m not trying to put you to a test or anything, I just want to reinforce that I am not willing to budge from making this any more than casual right now. I have no intention of rushing a relationship. No investment or attachment, ok?

I’m tired. I’m tired to the bone. I’m always ‘on’ because I have way too much going on. Last semester, I was working two jobs, taking 3 courses, running a club, fighting for my pay, and volunteering in any remaining free time I could squeeze out. In my transition days, I spent having my wisdom teeth taken and driving. This semester, I’m working, biking, bad___, drag___ing, and still fighting for my pay from 4 months ago. I feel like I have zero down time although I have so much down time. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m doing my maximum and always having to be ‘on’ to make sure I am doing everything accurately and efficiently to get everything done and done well. I feel like I’m just a couple inches away from going over the hump of the amount of work that would cause me to break down into tears simply out of lack of rest and feeling overwhelmed.

I really do love my nomadic lifestyle and I’m really grateful for all the experiences I have been afforded in my defiance against complacency and through my privilege of coming from a middle-class family.  But a part of me wishes I didn’t choose to job hop so much despite how exciting it is – I incur big costs for the way I live.  My life has no rhyme or rhythm nor steady pay or stability.   It feels like I have friends everywhere and nowhere and I feel incredibly exhausted.  Maybe I’m just burnt out.

Instructional Design advice from online:
You need a portfolio. Go create an account on elearning heroes, download a trial version of Storyline. Inhale Tom Kuhlman’s blog posts. If you are even vaguely competent with Creative Cloud apps you will be producing passable assets in a few weeks.
Rinse and repeat with Adobe Captivate. Most enterprise / contract shops are going to want to see you can work in Storyline or Captivate. Lectora is probably a respectable 3rd. But again – you want to be able to apply and say – here’s some online learning assets I built. This stuff isn’t rocket science.
Memorize Kirkpatrick’s 4 levels of evaluation. Not because it will actually help you in your day to day work, but because it is a bullshit interview question you’ll be asked.
Become familiar with the basics of Learning Management Systems, and SCORM and TinCan packaging. This is the delivery framework by which companies track who has taken online courses. You can read up free stuff online, or there’s a decent Lynda.com course too.
If you aren’t having luck landing full time work after your portfolio is out there, there are dozens of contracting firms that hire people for staff augmentation roles to help large companies get projects done their full time people don’t have time for. Get a placement, kick ass and you’ll be offered a job many times (i’ve hired several people this way).

Let your graphic design skills shine. Build elegant, attractive, functional pieces. There are countless corporate training types who try to make the switch to ID roles, but I have learned the hard way, I can’t teach people graphic design, or how to write. You just have to know what fonts work and why, and how certain layouts emphasize certain things, etc. And for the love of god, the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
I am probably a bit of a cynic, but I am dog tired of having to cover for stuffy adult learning professionals who can’t actually USE the tools of the trade. I’ll take a graphic designer with technical chops and an eye for quality over a phd in Adult Education any day. The former will actually accomplish things, the latter will talk endlessly about what we should do.

Sometimes, I wish I had asked that one day when we were alone. Or not.

“____, I don’t mind whatever you say.  Please be honest.  I just want to know so that I am on the same page as you.  How do you feel about me?”



My kind of people and talks: Deep conversations that touch the soul

Talks about..

.. relationships and how every relationship requires work and will have some element of incompatibility.

..  the conscious decision to be happy and positive while acknowledging the sadness that exists, without dwelling on it.

.. family and how parents can have difficulty hearing what it is their children are saying and finding it hard to let the kids go and make mistakes.

.. hobbies and how hobbies do not necessarily have to be jobs

.. how individuals can exude such positive and negative energies that impact other people

.. using your experiences to your advantage by evaluating what you like and dislike, and using it as a learning experience for how you want to act.

These were such wonderful talks.  I have a very thoughtful and kind landlady.

A change in dynamic

After my slew of older supervisors, the way my supervisor acts, I’m pretty sure he’s in his early 30’s.  A news article says he has 11 years experience between 3 degrees, which puts him at 2005 entry into post-secondary education, if that includes his undergrad.  My guess is phd (4 years 2012-2016) + msc (3 years 2008-2012) + bsc (4 years 2004 – 2008) If that was true.. he’s probably 30 years old.

Facts: he finished a masters at 2012, and was still in his undergrad in 2007.  The lower limit of this is 31, with an upper limit of, I would say, 36.  To play it safe, I’d say he’s anywhere between 29 – 36 years old.  My guess would be 32 though, 7 years older than me.  I’m pretty shocked, but not.  Just.. the brilliance required to obtain a position like this at that age range.  He is wonderfully easy to get along with and makes me love the job I thought I wouldn’t.

God damn it, buddy.

Guy I talked about/last saw on Nov 26 that I talked about on Nov 29.  It’s freaking hard not to like you when you’re so personable and smart.

And stop giving me such amazing hugs.  He put his arms around my waist and lifted me up this time in the middle of the restaurant.

I don’t know if you like me.  Probably not.  But we are hours away.  Stop giving me the glimmer of hope I know is not there every time I see you.  We live 4 hours apart.

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