MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

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It’s been a while.

Reading my past posts, I’m disappointed. My progression in life these past 3 years is less than I strived for, and I lived many struggles in my head with no action to make them better.  So they continue to plague me, mentally. Some days, I feel like I’m going mad. The thought of finding therapist comes more and more to mind. I’m also a stubborn asshole, who thinks she can deal with everything herself, as she always has. Maybe, this should come to an end. I have incredible difficulty asking for help and the thought of a therapist in my mind is akin to giving up on fixing myself by myself and accepting that I do maybe, you know.. need others.

Personal life. I’m trying a little more this year, I think. I lapsed last year and gave up and once again fell into the trap of doing outdoor activities to pretend life was cheery. And it was. During all 30-40 odd hikes and backpacking trips. Backpacking and dangerous things are nice, because you really tune out other things to survive. It’s basically the outdoors addiction to the drug addiction. A way to drown out those issues in my life. It’s easy to do, when you’ve spent your entire life looking for distractions and fancy new things to learn to say you’re doing something in life and are too busy to date. When really, it’s something used to procrastinate on to fill in that hole with flowers and mountains and pretend that hole does not exist or is unimportant. But, this whole Coronavirus pandemic has left me more with my own thoughts than I care. But it has also done some good, in some ways, forcing me to introspect more and confront the issues I have avoided for so long. I no longer have excuses not to be consumed by the very thoughts I tried so hard to ignore.

And I now must confront this and do something because there is nothing else I can do. I came crashing down in negative thoughts two nights ago, coming down with one major thought: why do I always spiral down when I am alone? Why am I incapable of being truly alone, without negative thoughts? More importantly, am I using my very over-packed schedule and mind-judo techniques of reframing things into positive perspectives  (when I have the energy) a good way to deal with negative thoughts, to forget about the negative thoughts and not deal with it, or is it truly a healthy way for me to deal with it mentally? I think, it is far more of an excuse. I wonder, if I can reach a point where I am content. I wonder, if it will be euphoric. I need to stop wondering and start living. 

The issues I’m working on the hardest are being more open to dating with less expectations and sharing myself in a way to strangers in a way that owns my insecurities while being honest, not blaming or using excuses, and not over-sharing and scaring people away. It’s been a real struggle. My self-esteem in dating has, and continues, to be something I feel very vulnerable about. “Do you want children? How is your relationship with your family? What are you looking for in a relationship? How long was your longest relationship? What do you want?”

Well, let me tell you: No, I don’t want children because.. trauma. My relationship with my family is.. crap. In that imaginary relationship I will have.. And I want a serious short / long term relationship, although I’m open to the possibility of things going sideways because I’m realizing how unrealistic my goal sounds with the waterfall of issues I own.

How does that sound to you? How many red flags did that set off to you? My fear, is judgement and lack of acceptance because I clearly have difficulty accepting myself. Both things I harshly treat myself with more criticism than I should, and that, as a result, I worry others would judge negatively and not take a chance on me. My fear, is my vulnerability. I’m trying very hard to embrace it and share it more openly with people. I will need to accept myself in this particular way, and fail many times to make it possible. You know what’s important though? I’m trying and I’m forcing myself to fail, in small steps. Even 1 date, is ok. I’m putting myself in more perceptually uncomfortable situations, more frequently, and pushing my comfort zone to make these conversations easier, when I need it. Intimacy..  is just a whole other ball game I will need to confront.

Work life. I chased work my entire life and ignored relationships, because my simple thought process was: Making your own money means your parents can no longer control you or your life. I had no confidence in myself in work and in high school, was convinced I’d be homeless. I wanted to run away. I was not suicidal, but I lost all motivation to live. I didn’t care anymore. My new university thought process was: I don’t care, as long as you try your best, I’m proud of you. And that I did. Funny, it’s been more than 10 years. And, I still haven’t found that stability I was originally aiming for. Instead, I found something I like, which to me, is now even better. I guess, that is one thing I really improved.

Independence. You know the greatest irony in my life? I spend it chasing independence, mentally and monetarily. It was adaptive, at first. It meant I would have a mental and personal safe space, that I have never been able to find, with my genetic parents. A space, where I could care for myself, explore, and grow. Except, independence bred loneliness, in all capacities – familial, platonic, and romantic. Loneliness, felt greatest, when you’ve been your own cheerleader for far too long, and exhausted to have to push yourself back up every. damn. time. because, in your mind, if you drop, you drop. There is no safety net. And now I’m trying to break down the psychological barrier I’ve created for myself so I have the capacity to allow others to care for me. I cling more to hope and pure stubbornness than I believe most days. I’ve seen and experienced it before, and I choose to believe it is still possible. Sometimes, I forget.

Trauma and acceptance. Funny. I used to wonder why people talked about childhood experiences having a great bearing on them as an adult. I could not understand it. In my mind, understanding the lesson and growing from it would be the greatest takeaway. Sure you experience it, but is it not like any other experiences? Yet, when I’m in a state of vulnerability, I spiral back to my childhood, in wondering where it all comes from. Introspection, for me, stops being good when I try to find beyond the root feelings of why my negative feelings happen and start looking for scapegoats. It brings me to a dark and unhealthy place where I fight a battle between blame and fighting to accept that blame and ultimately leaving myself exhausted in self-loathing, sadness, and acceptance but discomfort of internalizing those negative feelings because.. I caused them.

Motivation clues

This is not at all as objective as it should be.  But I want to write this way, just for once. A break from the objective me I try to be.

Father

  • Never wanted a child.
  • Served as a trophy and status symbol on good days when I presented better than other people surrounding me
  • Shamed/threatened/controlled/hidden when I did not meet expectations.
  • Belief that everything I own, is his.  And that respect is commanded from me for what he has given.
  • Served as a bargaining chip to test people’s allegiance to him using threats; am I more disposable or him?  Eg.  Either I move out or she does. Anger when him.

Interesting observation.

I talked to a lovely, passionate, and open indigenous woman the other day for whom the most interesting (to me), but perhaps tragic reality , was her struggle to connect her two worlds as a result of the residential school and separation of her from her family.

  • The life she lived: the western family that took her in and raised her most of her life
  • The life she did not live / had taken away from her: the culture and history that her ancestors and genetic family had come from.  

To resolve the two and to learn about her culture, was a constant work in progress.  And her difficulty echoed something I struggle with.  For one, she explained – her biological family stressors consisted of life and death whereas, her western family stressors consisted of members getting a cold. For this, this would be nothing to her biological family. Her world were just so out of synch.  It is difficult to resolve the two.. I want to say the western family is out of touch – but perhaps given the life they had experienced, it was not.

It’s such a lonely place to be.  I have seen and experienced things different than that I perceive most experience in my city, and I felt disconnected when the majority of my age groups talks about music, TV shows, and food – things I care little about.  Her realities were even further apart, and I can’t even begin to understand how she managed to cope and/or heal.

My misadventures

Dating is a freaking minefield and not fun in my book, for the most part.

Date 1: Online. This guy wanted me as a temporary emotional crutch but didn’t really care about me.  I could feel it and I did not like it.  I broke it off.

Date 2: Online. This guy was the best out of all of them. He was super open.  My reservation came from how logical he was.  Not very emotional.  But he was the one person of everyone who I had an immediate I-feel-comfortable kind of feeling.  He was my favorite. I screwed it up on my end.

Date-ish 3 “hangout”: someone from my past that I initiated. My gut said he was putting up a wall for me and being purely courteous in all his super respectful gestures.  I was uncomfortable, feeling like he wasn’t really letting me in.  He continued talking to me after, but I never felt he let me in and I felt like he was stringing me along. So I let it go.

Date-ish 4 “hangout”: This was someone I got along very well with, liked me for who I was, and who challenged my way of thinking, but I was not very physically attracted. Felt bad, but it is what it is.  I still really like him as a person. I had thoughts that I was being far too picky.  I might be, and I have minor regrets over this one.

Date 5: Someone who asked me out at the rink. I thought it was a PUA.  Maybe it was.  But I distrusted this guy from the start but thought it woudn’t hurt to go out once. This guy decided to, right off the bat, psychoanalyze me.  From what I did, to how I looked, everything was pyschoanalyzed.  At the end of the date, he went.. you must be thinking, how do I know more about you than you?  Really, what I was thinking was.. this guy has tried to psychoanalyze me more than he has asked me questions.  In my world, a date should be about getting to know another person, not to try to affirm your assumptions about said person based on what little you barely know.  He has also put down his entire family as dumb, mentioned he hasn’t quite got friends because he’s so smart and above others.  On top of it all, he was evasive with the questions I had and tried to kino me, kept licking his lips, acted very sexual, and was late.  This was NOT what I was looking for a first date.  This guy came across as full of himself and primarily looking for physical.  I hated him… to put it gently.

Loneliness.

I’m going to let it out so I can be free to accept it, manage it, and in the long run, make it mine to resolve.  And just like everything else, I accept that it will only come with time.

I can make all the excuses in the world, throw pity at myself, blame my history, and drown in the feeling.  But I must accept that this is a situation I have very decidedly pushed myself into.

I feel lonely.  That’s it.  It sounds simple, but it’s not something simple to solve.  And funnily enough, I thought it would be solved when I got back and settled back here.  But it didn’t.  I no longer have many connections here and more so, no close connections.  I thought I’d be surrounded by people my age.  Surrounded by friends.

I’m surrounded by strangers.  And I struggle to connect.  I think it might be my fault.  It might be the folly of large cities.  Some of this, some of that.

I yearn for intimacy, for closeness, for people to talk to me, for hugs, for people to understand me.  A social aspect to my life.  Yet, at the same time, I fear it a lot. I need to get over my fear.  Objectively, I was also far too picky.  Everyone has something wrong, and then even a first date doesn’t work out because I hesitate.  I’m passive.  I feared the unknown.  The hurdle that I blamed my past on.   I need to move on from my past and learn to live.

It hurts, almost to a physical point.

Loneliness is very psychologically painful.  And physically painful.  This, I have learned.

It is time for me to move on and embrace the future and stop embracing the past.  Easier said than done, but it will happen.  I will make it happen.

Amen.

Sometimes people use the word respect to mean “treating someone like an authority” and sometimes they use it to mean “treating someone like a human being”. And sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority will say “I won’t respect you if you don’t respect me” when they really mean “I won’t treat you like a human being unless you treat me like an authority”. And they think they’re being fair but they’re not.

Know that what you felt then is no more and how you conduct the present is how the future unfolds. 

Will I ever get my childhood back? No. But the rest of my life is mine. And I can choose to be happy, to grow, to feel pain when I need to, and more importantly, I can choose to treat people with kindness, respect, and love. That can never be taken away from me.

My thoughts and perspectives put into words by others.

Isolation. I’m fixing it this year.

I’m going to catch up with a very dear friend I had not seen in more than half a decade.  This is unfortunately more normal than it should be.  Occurrences of not seeing people for long periods of time.

I have so much trouble staying in touch with everyone when I lived and work all over the place. I liked it transiently but have since learned I mentally don’t deal well with living nomadic lifestyles long term. It’s so isolating. I make such transient friends and colleagues that last a few months. 9-10 cycles of that later, I no longer care enough to put in effort. Too much work for something that probably won’t last, in my jaded mind.

If I didn’t get to know you, I’m sorry. I was in happy place, but I had mostly given up forming new friendships and connections. It was my fault. I spread myself too thin. I’m sure you are all cool people.

Thanks to all my friends with whom I somehow maintain a semblance of a friendship even though we only ever meet once every year.. or two.. or more.

Relocating 6 times in 3 years is 6 times too many.

I’m done with this lifestyle.

More than anything else, I find I’m craving the deep connections I rarely got for so many years.  Deep, meaningful conversations that mean something.  I think it’s a craving developed from years of shallow, inconsequential friendships and conversations.

Psychological techniques for management of my well-being.

1. Yes, this ____event____ happened.
2. And I acknowledge that I feel ___emotion (sad, mad, frustrated, angry…)____
3. But, I forgive myself.  I tried my best given the circumstances.
4. What can I take away/learn from this experience?
Thought mash:
“Denying a child the ability to make a decision by making the decision for them.

This could be anything from forcing them to eat all of the food on their plate, to putting them in time-out, to forcing them to learn piano lessons, opening the door for them when they’re taking too long to do it themselves, or forcing them to put pants on before going out of the house.

As parents we constantly have to evaluate when to take that control away from our children. Sometimes it’s necessary for our child’s safety. Sometimes it’s necessary for their health. Sometimes it’s necessary to be socially acceptable.

However, some people will not evaluate when to take control away, and simply do it whenever possible. This restricts the child’s ability to make those decisions themselves, and learn from their mistakes. It makes them afraid of being shamed for making mistakes.

Some control is certainly in the job description. Some go for maximum control”

Stress.

I am a little stressed.  I need to talk about it and get it off my chest and continue on with life.  So here it is.

I’ve turned down about 7 jobs for this elusive job that.. at long last, I got verbally offered.  I think I’m quite well grounded in reality in that I was highly aware going in that verbal offers != actual offers until that letter of offer is issued and signed and careful to trust this offer and continued applying to jobs until it got too tiring.  1.5 months later, the process is still being worked on.  I was not overtly worried to begin with as this is quite typical for this organization but the latest update has me a little scared. I have been told there has been a “snag” in the human resources processes and that hopefully more information can be shared at a later date.  The vagueness of this statement in stark contrast to the detailed specifics provided in previous messages gives me great unease to think that my hiring may be jeopardized by the newest developments.

I think I will re-continue applying to jobs.  I am sad about this update and I am quite unsure about where this will go.

When you feel like you meet someone so right, but then that one deal breaker means no.

Finding people is tough.  It is so tough to find good compatibility.

Some people like polyamory
Some people are too introverted
Some people want children, some people don’t.
Some people drink, some people don’t.
Some people’s perspective on life is so different.

Then after all of that, are you two able to banter and have open communication?

It’s so damn fucking tough.

There was one person I thought was quite perfect.  The epitome of perfect.  We were hitting everything, perspectives, views, goals, ambitions, locations.  The way we thought and perceived the world was just on point.  Neither of us wanted kids.

And then it came out.  He loved drinking.  I do not.  For me, this was fine, but I could see for him, it was absolutely not

And that was that.  In afterthought, his incredibly disappointed exclamation of “that is so unfortunate!”  was entirely right.  I think it is too.  We seemed so perfect.  I’m really, really disappointed over this one.  He has the personality and qualities of a person that I think are incredibly rare and hard to find.  He genuinely has an amazing soul.

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