Reading my past posts, I’m disappointed. My progression in life these past 3 years is less than I strived for, and I lived many struggles in my head with no action to make them better. So they continue to plague me, mentally. Some days, I feel like I’m going mad. The thought of finding therapist comes more and more to mind. I’m also a stubborn asshole, who thinks she can deal with everything herself, as she always has. Maybe, this should come to an end. I have incredible difficulty asking for help and the thought of a therapist in my mind is akin to giving up on fixing myself by myself and accepting that I do maybe, you know.. need others.
Personal life. I’m trying a little more this year, I think. I lapsed last year and gave up and once again fell into the trap of doing outdoor activities to pretend life was cheery. And it was. During all 30-40 odd hikes and backpacking trips. Backpacking and dangerous things are nice, because you really tune out other things to survive. It’s basically the outdoors addiction to the drug addiction. A way to drown out those issues in my life. It’s easy to do, when you’ve spent your entire life looking for distractions and fancy new things to learn to say you’re doing something in life and are too busy to date. When really, it’s something used to procrastinate on to fill in that hole with flowers and mountains and pretend that hole does not exist or is unimportant. But, this whole Coronavirus pandemic has left me more with my own thoughts than I care. But it has also done some good, in some ways, forcing me to introspect more and confront the issues I have avoided for so long. I no longer have excuses not to be consumed by the very thoughts I tried so hard to ignore.
And I now must confront this and do something because there is nothing else I can do. I came crashing down in negative thoughts two nights ago, coming down with one major thought: why do I always spiral down when I am alone? Why am I incapable of being truly alone, without negative thoughts? More importantly, am I using my very over-packed schedule and mind-judo techniques of reframing things into positive perspectives (when I have the energy) a good way to deal with negative thoughts, to forget about the negative thoughts and not deal with it, or is it truly a healthy way for me to deal with it mentally? I think, it is far more of an excuse. I wonder, if I can reach a point where I am content. I wonder, if it will be euphoric. I need to stop wondering and start living.
The issues I’m working on the hardest are being more open to dating with less expectations and sharing myself in a way to strangers in a way that owns my insecurities while being honest, not blaming or using excuses, and not over-sharing and scaring people away. It’s been a real struggle. My self-esteem in dating has, and continues, to be something I feel very vulnerable about. “Do you want children? How is your relationship with your family? What are you looking for in a relationship? How long was your longest relationship? What do you want?”
Well, let me tell you: No, I don’t want children because.. trauma. My relationship with my family is.. crap. In that imaginary relationship I will have.. And I want a serious short / long term relationship, although I’m open to the possibility of things going sideways because I’m realizing how unrealistic my goal sounds with the waterfall of issues I own.
How does that sound to you? How many red flags did that set off to you? My fear, is judgement and lack of acceptance because I clearly have difficulty accepting myself. Both things I harshly treat myself with more criticism than I should, and that, as a result, I worry others would judge negatively and not take a chance on me. My fear, is my vulnerability. I’m trying very hard to embrace it and share it more openly with people. I will need to accept myself in this particular way, and fail many times to make it possible. You know what’s important though? I’m trying and I’m forcing myself to fail, in small steps. Even 1 date, is ok. I’m putting myself in more perceptually uncomfortable situations, more frequently, and pushing my comfort zone to make these conversations easier, when I need it. Intimacy.. is just a whole other ball game I will need to confront.
Work life. I chased work my entire life and ignored relationships, because my simple thought process was: Making your own money means your parents can no longer control you or your life. I had no confidence in myself in work and in high school, was convinced I’d be homeless. I wanted to run away. I was not suicidal, but I lost all motivation to live. I didn’t care anymore. My new university thought process was: I don’t care, as long as you try your best, I’m proud of you. And that I did. Funny, it’s been more than 10 years. And, I still haven’t found that stability I was originally aiming for. Instead, I found something I like, which to me, is now even better. I guess, that is one thing I really improved.
Independence. You know the greatest irony in my life? I spend it chasing independence, mentally and monetarily. It was adaptive, at first. It meant I would have a mental and personal safe space, that I have never been able to find, with my genetic parents. A space, where I could care for myself, explore, and grow. Except, independence bred loneliness, in all capacities – familial, platonic, and romantic. Loneliness, felt greatest, when you’ve been your own cheerleader for far too long, and exhausted to have to push yourself back up every. damn. time. because, in your mind, if you drop, you drop. There is no safety net. And now I’m trying to break down the psychological barrier I’ve created for myself so I have the capacity to allow others to care for me. I cling more to hope and pure stubbornness than I believe most days. I’ve seen and experienced it before, and I choose to believe it is still possible. Sometimes, I forget.
Trauma and acceptance. Funny. I used to wonder why people talked about childhood experiences having a great bearing on them as an adult. I could not understand it. In my mind, understanding the lesson and growing from it would be the greatest takeaway. Sure you experience it, but is it not like any other experiences? Yet, when I’m in a state of vulnerability, I spiral back to my childhood, in wondering where it all comes from. Introspection, for me, stops being good when I try to find beyond the root feelings of why my negative feelings happen and start looking for scapegoats. It brings me to a dark and unhealthy place where I fight a battle between blame and fighting to accept that blame and ultimately leaving myself exhausted in self-loathing, sadness, and acceptance but discomfort of internalizing those negative feelings because.. I caused them.