The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

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My misadventures

Dating is a freaking minefield and not fun in my book, for the most part.

Date 1: Online. This guy wanted me as a temporary emotional crutch but didn’t really care about me.  I could feel it and I did not like it.  I broke it off.

Date 2: Online. This guy was the best out of all of them. He was super open.  My reservation came from how logical he was.  Not very emotional.  But he was the one person of everyone who I had an immediate I-feel-comfortable kind of feeling.  He was my favorite. I screwed it up on my end.

Date-ish 3 “hangout”: someone from my past that I initiated. My gut said he was putting up a wall for me and being purely courteous in all his super respectful gestures.  I was uncomfortable, feeling like he wasn’t really letting me in.  He continued talking to me after, but I never felt he let me in and I felt like he was stringing me along. So I let it go.

Date-ish 4 “hangout”: This was someone I got along very well with, liked me for who I was, and who challenged my way of thinking, but I was not very physically attracted. Felt bad, but it is what it is.  I still really like him as a person. I had thoughts that I was being far too picky.  I might be, and I have minor regrets over this one.

Date 5: Someone who asked me out at the rink. I thought it was a PUA.  Maybe it was.  But I distrusted this guy from the start but thought it woudn’t hurt to go out once. This guy decided to, right off the bat, psychoanalyze me.  From what I did, to how I looked, everything was pyschoanalyzed.  At the end of the date, he went.. you must be thinking, how do I know more about you than you?  Really, what I was thinking was.. this guy has tried to psychoanalyze me more than he has asked me questions.  In my world, a date should be about getting to know another person, not to try to affirm your assumptions about said person based on what little you barely know.  He has also put down his entire family as dumb, mentioned he hasn’t quite got friends because he’s so smart and above others.  On top of it all, he was evasive with the questions I had and tried to kino me, kept licking his lips, acted very sexual, and was late.  This was NOT what I was looking for a first date.  This guy came across as full of himself and primarily looking for physical.  I hated him… to put it gently.



I’m going to let it out so I can be free to accept it, manage it, and in the long run, make it mine to resolve.  And just like everything else, I accept that it will only come with time.

I can make all the excuses in the world, throw pity at myself, blame my history, and drown in the feeling.  But I must accept that this is a situation I have very decidedly pushed myself into.

I feel lonely.  That’s it.  It sounds simple, but it’s not something simple to solve.  And funnily enough, I thought it would be solved when I got back and settled back here.  But it didn’t.  I no longer have many connections here and more so, no close connections.  I thought I’d be surrounded by people my age.  Surrounded by friends.

I’m surrounded by strangers.  And I struggle to connect.  I think it might be my fault.  It might be the folly of large cities.  Some of this, some of that.

I yearn for intimacy, for closeness, for people to talk to me, for hugs, for people to understand me.  A social aspect to my life.  Yet, at the same time, I fear it a lot. I need to get over my fear.  Objectively, I was also far too picky.  Everyone has something wrong, and then even a first date doesn’t work out because I hesitate.  I’m passive.  I feared the unknown.  The hurdle that I blamed my past on.   I need to move on from my past and learn to live.

It hurts, almost to a physical point.

Loneliness is very psychologically painful.  And physically painful.  This, I have learned.

It is time for me to move on and embrace the future and stop embracing the past.  Easier said than done, but it will happen.  I will make it happen.


Sometimes people use the word respect to mean “treating someone like an authority” and sometimes they use it to mean “treating someone like a human being”. And sometimes people who are used to being treated like an authority will say “I won’t respect you if you don’t respect me” when they really mean “I won’t treat you like a human being unless you treat me like an authority”. And they think they’re being fair but they’re not.

Know that what you felt then is no more and how you conduct the present is how the future unfolds. 

Will I ever get my childhood back? No. But the rest of my life is mine. And I can choose to be happy, to grow, to feel pain when I need to, and more importantly, I can choose to treat people with kindness, respect, and love. That can never be taken away from me.

My thoughts and perspectives put into words by others.

Isolation. I’m fixing it this year.

I’m going to catch up with a very dear friend I had not seen in more than half a decade.  This is unfortunately more normal than it should be.  Occurrences of not seeing people for long periods of time.

I have so much trouble staying in touch with everyone when I lived and work all over the place. I liked it transiently but have since learned I mentally don’t deal well with living nomadic lifestyles long term. It’s so isolating. I make such transient friends and colleagues that last a few months. 9-10 cycles of that later, I no longer care enough to put in effort. Too much work for something that probably won’t last, in my jaded mind.

If I didn’t get to know you, I’m sorry. I was in happy place, but I had mostly given up forming new friendships and connections. It was my fault. I spread myself too thin. I’m sure you are all cool people.

Thanks to all my friends with whom I somehow maintain a semblance of a friendship even though we only ever meet once every year.. or two.. or more.

Relocating 6 times in 3 years is 6 times too many.

I’m done with this lifestyle.

More than anything else, I find I’m craving the deep connections I rarely got for so many years.  Deep, meaningful conversations that mean something.  I think it’s a craving developed from years of shallow, inconsequential friendships and conversations.

Psychological techniques for management of my well-being.

1. Yes, this ____event____ happened.
2. And I acknowledge that I feel ___emotion (sad, mad, frustrated, angry…)____
3. But, I forgive myself.  I tried my best given the circumstances.
4. What can I take away/learn from this experience?
Thought mash:
“Denying a child the ability to make a decision by making the decision for them.

This could be anything from forcing them to eat all of the food on their plate, to putting them in time-out, to forcing them to learn piano lessons, opening the door for them when they’re taking too long to do it themselves, or forcing them to put pants on before going out of the house.

As parents we constantly have to evaluate when to take that control away from our children. Sometimes it’s necessary for our child’s safety. Sometimes it’s necessary for their health. Sometimes it’s necessary to be socially acceptable.

However, some people will not evaluate when to take control away, and simply do it whenever possible. This restricts the child’s ability to make those decisions themselves, and learn from their mistakes. It makes them afraid of being shamed for making mistakes.

Some control is certainly in the job description. Some go for maximum control”


I am a little stressed.  I need to talk about it and get it off my chest and continue on with life.  So here it is.

I’ve turned down about 7 jobs for this elusive job that.. at long last, I got verbally offered.  I think I’m quite well grounded in reality in that I was highly aware going in that verbal offers != actual offers until that letter of offer is issued and signed and careful to trust this offer and continued applying to jobs until it got too tiring.  1.5 months later, the process is still being worked on.  I was not overtly worried to begin with as this is quite typical for this organization but the latest update has me a little scared. I have been told there has been a “snag” in the human resources processes and that hopefully more information can be shared at a later date.  The vagueness of this statement in stark contrast to the detailed specifics provided in previous messages gives me great unease to think that my hiring may be jeopardized by the newest developments.

I think I will re-continue applying to jobs.  I am sad about this update and I am quite unsure about where this will go.

When you feel like you meet someone so right, but then that one deal breaker means no.

Finding people is tough.  It is so tough to find good compatibility.

Some people like polyamory
Some people are too introverted
Some people want children, some people don’t.
Some people drink, some people don’t.
Some people’s perspective on life is so different.

Then after all of that, are you two able to banter and have open communication?

It’s so damn fucking tough.

There was one person I thought was quite perfect.  The epitome of perfect.  We were hitting everything, perspectives, views, goals, ambitions, locations.  The way we thought and perceived the world was just on point.  Neither of us wanted kids.

And then it came out.  He loved drinking.  I do not.  For me, this was fine, but I could see for him, it was absolutely not

And that was that.  In afterthought, his incredibly disappointed exclamation of “that is so unfortunate!”  was entirely right.  I think it is too.  We seemed so perfect.  I’m really, really disappointed over this one.  He has the personality and qualities of a person that I think are incredibly rare and hard to find.  He genuinely has an amazing soul.

I’m sad and I feel vulnerable.

I got two jobs.  I am going to reject a job.  My parents were not entirely happy with my decision.  First, it was that I didn’t go for the cushy clerk government job.  Then, it was all about the money.  Low paying, contract, with no benefits.

I was happy.  I thought it was a good opportunity to gain experiences in a variety of things, to help make big changes in a small organizations.  To make it better.  I thought it was a place I could go to do things I love.

No.  They spent the entire dinner talking about the pay, the employment insurance, how I need to think more about the pension after I retire. Money.

I need to be dependent on myself, but they have instilled concern in me for my retirement.  I feel insecure, regretful, and sad.  They hit me where I was most vulnerable and twisted a knife in me.

I recognize I have a choice in feeling this way.  They can say what they can say, but I can accept or reject it.  I need to learn to believe in myself.

I feel so down.

I have a problem. Emotional detachment.

I just learned something new from overthinking the situation with the guy.  I’d never experienced someone explicitly stating attraction, engaging physically, and asking that much of my time.  I had no idea of where I stood in what I wanted out of it, where it was going, the pace it was going, and if I was okay with it all.  On top of this, I was jobless and stressed about finding a job.

In having never gone this far with a guy before, and particularly even more pronounced (although that 100% related) with my stress from job search, I was physically, mentally, and psychologically overwhelmed.  I could not think or understand my feelings and him and failed to trust him and emotionally detached (read: shut down) myself from the whole situation with him, and became rather cold in doing so, in an attempt to cope and view the situation objectively, and to deal with the unexplored territory.

I just realized I SHUT DOWN in all situations I get emotionally overwhelmed by and don’t know how to cope.  With my parents, when I actively tried to detach myself from them, emotionally. With this summer, where I suddenly found myself having lost all emotion for my lab mates after the terrible argument.   And I have no idea how to change this.  Once the I have detached myself from the person or situation, I find it immensely difficult to recover the feelings that were once there. 

I think I finally understand where he is coming from.

I think I finally understand why he does what he does.  He tells me he likes me because I’m authentic.  And then he makes out at every chance possible.  Cooks for me.  Netflix & chill.  Walks.  Listens to my needs. He’s respectful of me as possible and acts caring and mindful of my needs.  And tells me he likes me a lot and sees potential and that he’s a lot happier ever since I came along.  Yet, he refuses to commit by saying he wants to keep things unlabeled because it “complicates” things and after a month, still says he is “open” to anything.  I felt strung along.  My gut was shrieking in alarm from the first date onward, from the sheer speed of his desire to hang out and the speed of the ‘I miss you” ‘s and “I like you” ‘s.  I didn’t understand where things were going or why they were going so fast.  I felt used, even when my boundaries were respected.  And I think, with good reason.  Here are my final thoughts on this:  

I think.. he misses the intimacy, having someone to talk to, being wanted, to cuddle and watch movies with, and someone to talk to. To kiss, to do whatever you want. Everything you get in a committed relationship.

He’s looking for the same thing in dating.  He craves this intimacy.  But because of this, he’s jumping ahead of himself. maybe not necessarily intentionally. But he is jumping right to what he wants, the intimacy and late night outings and hang outs at the first sign of compatibility. First and second date, ask him what he liked most about it.  Not the talks, not getting to know me.  It was the making out part. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, that he’s doing so without really noticing, perhaps, he jumped ship and missed out on fully getting to know me for who I am and if I am the right person. No questions because he enjoys and is truly happy to have me around, but it’s more for the companionship than for me being who I am.  He loves me for filling that loneliness he felt for so long.

And that’s what doesn’t sit right with me. You say that you are open to anything and want no labels, but that’s because you didn’t truly try to get to know me. You just like the companionship I offer. I am in no way lonely or seeking absolutely anyone for companionship. I want someone I can bond with in a real sort of way.  In this way, I am not getting my needs met because I want someone who wants me for being me. And that’s what doesn’t sit right with me. You don’t ask about me to find out who I am, because you don’t care. You are essentially just taking what I can give you. You want the perks of a relationship without the commitment. And that’s why you don’t want to commit.

He’ll care about me and be mindful just like in a relationship, in this pseudo-relationship that make him feel like a good person.  He tells me he likes being a good person and protecting the vulnerable.

I understand.  You want to feel like a good person.  Of course you’ll do that.

I know he has very strong moral standards so I do not think he lied about anything.  He was always authentically himself, just like how he liked others. He always likes to live up to his strong moral standards. So everything he told me was true. I made him happy (so he’s not lonely), he really needed romantic intimacy (to fill his unmet needs), he really liked me (for what intimacy I gave him), and he misses me a lot all the time (for the intimacy I gave). And that he wanted to leave things open and unlabeled and to see where things go because labels complicate things (beyond where he wants to go with me).

These “hang outs”  (not “dates”, as he so adamantly stated), were never about me.  It was about everything you could get out of me.

Goodbye, m’dear.  Thank you for the life lesson.  “It was fun”.. figuring you out.

I have now learned something new:  What do I want most out of a relationship? It’s not just the physical intimacy.  Those are all about me. Anyone could give me that.  Those are selfish feelings.  I want a best friend.  Someone who is intimately in sync, emotionally and physically.  Where we bring out the best in each other.  We can talk for hours and days and never get bored. We can laugh and have fun all the time.  We enjoy each other’s presence and companionship. It’s easy. With physical intimacy as a wonderful bonus. Someone who I can talk with for hours and hours and feel like we know each other better than anyone else will know either of us.  Where a glance can tell you anything.  Where your emotions are completely open and vulnerability is freely given because we both want to.  I think I finally understand myself now.  I understand why I am so demisexual leaning.  I feel like being a “demisexual” is really another term for someone who is emotionally healthy and ready for a healthy, balanced relationship.  At least by my definition.


And here’s the email I wanted so badly to send to him.  Pretending to be naively unaware of his intentions:

X, can I share some observations I realized after the fact that I think may help you, moving forward?  If you don’t feel up for it, that is okay.  I just wanted to offer.

I think I finally understand why we were on such different pages throughout this thing we had.  Maybe you really weren’t looking for anything serious.  I don’t want to make assumptions.  But if or when you look for a serious relationship, I don’t think romantic intimacy should play the largest role in the beginning. A lot of people can give you romantic intimacy.  The feels you get from it make you feel good and want to follow up on it because it’s something humans all crave – feeling loved.  It feels like real love, but it’s very much temporary and transient unless if both of you actually love the person for who they actually are.  I think it was the transient feelings of companionship, the hugs, and the intimacy I gave you that were what you loved and chased after and that it was not so much about who I was. You were chasing after the feeling, while I was chasing after the right person. The feelings were what you remembered and missed the most from your former relationship and you liked me for giving you that. Although you cared about me, finding out who I was as a person, beyond surface level, felt very much secondary or low priority to that to me. I think that’s why we never saw eye to eye on the romantic intimacy vs mental/emotional connection.

I also think we have different definitions of love.  “Love” is not physical intimacy.  Some semblance of compatibility is not enough, it is not a real connection.  Real love, platonic or otherwise, to me, occurs when you come across someone who you jive with so much that you want to know everything about them and who you want to share everything with.  You could just sit and laugh and talk all night and still feel like it’s not enough.  It’s the most beautiful timeless connection I think you could get.  You just admire and love and feel loved, cared for, understood, and respected without any form of physical intimacy necessarily, because you are, in the highest sense.  Not for what you can give to each other, but for who you are.  But because you love each other for who you are so much, you will by extension, have amazing, incredibly genuine intimacy in all senses and trust each other deeply.  I think it’s incredibly tough to comprehend without having experienced it before in any friendship, romantic, or familial capacity.

I felt drained from the fact that I was giving you my perception of intimacy – trying to understand you as a person, to love you as a person, and to talk, to care about you.  You shared yourself with me, which I appreciated and I tried to get to know you, but I felt like there was little curiosity in finding out who I was.  I felt like I was a stand in for a role you wanted a temporary fixture for.  I did not feel understood. By our contrasting definitions of love, I very much did feel loved in your sense, just not by my definition. The lack of willingness to name what we had and to call it ‘dating’ re-enforced this feeling of mine, even if that was not your intention. Maybe you meant to keep me  to fill the intimacy craving, a transient act of love and happiness.  But no matter.  For this reason, I felt like I was really not desired as a serious long term prospect as a partner and opted to remove myself from this role I did not want.  I am not stating this in an accusatory way nor do I bear any ill will towards you, but I am stating this more of as a matter of fact so hopefully you can understand where I am coming from.  This does not change the fact that I like you as a person and I am incredibly sad and torn this did work out. I would actually be completely up for trying this again if we can fix this. 

I could be wrong, but this was what I understood from observing you.  Hopefully I have left you with something from which you can learn more about yourself from.  You don’t necessarily have to agree with me.  It’s only one point of view that I wanted to share.  You are good person with strong morals, X.  I wish you all the best.


Friendships: You are genuine, empathetic, and enjoy deep / open / vulnerable conversations. I care about getting to know you as a person. I am genuinely interested in friendships-without-benefits.

Relationships: It’s not just physical intimacy. Anyone could give me that. I want a best friend, so I suppose starting off as friends would be my ideal. Where we bring out the best in each other. Where we can laugh and have fun. Where we enjoy each other’s presence and companionship. Where it’s easy. Where we are genuinely curious about each other. With physical intimacy as a bonus, but not the entire foundation holding the relationship together. Someone who I can talk with for hours and hours and feel like we know each other better than anyone else will know either of us. Where your emotions are completely open and vulnerability is freely given because we both are eager and excited to share with each other. I don’t like transient, superficial love. I like to love deeply. And I’m willing to take it slow to find it.

Funny coincidence, I think I saw his (grn colour) jeep outside the Laughing Bean Coffee.  I think.. he was dating someone new.  Barely 4 days after I ended it.  That’s nuts.  No matter.  Maybe I’ve twisted his reasoning.. but he says he is impulsive.  He also says he chases after feelings (intimacy).  And that he’s dated a whole shit ton of people.  And he’s not willing to commit.  Based on my observations, I think he is a serial dater (rushes things, won’t ask questions about me aka, no nurturing of emotional intimacy, wants to keep it light and fun without labels, too smooth & confident, sex/physical intimacy). And he’s trying to be more reactive.  I also think, by extension, he seeks instant gratification (reactive, impulsive, chases feelings, “liking” me too fast too soon – it was the kissing not me he liked).

Whereas, I am proactive and not impulsive.  I like my way of dating.

But really.. 

… yeah, ok.  I admit I antagonized him a lot more than he actually is.  I need it to let go of him.  Besides his unwillingness to commit to a label, liking me too soon, being open to everything, and calling me an endearment too soon and being too smooth, he’s a very sweet, mature, and thoughtful person with strong integrity.  He was willing to drive me and take me places, respect my boundaries 100%, make me food.. the perfect person.  If it weren’t for the fact I was dating him and he wants nothing from me a in a platonic sense, I think we could have been very good friends.  He had a good head on his shoulders and I strongly, strongly admired him for that.  Pity that I’m only a fleeting dating prospect.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  Poof.  If I trusted him more, if he actually tried to get to know me more, and if he gave it a label, I would have stayed.  I could see the hurt in his eyes when I said I did not prioritize dating.  It affected him a lot. His face grew very serious and rigid.  He immediately sat facing away from me to think about what I said.  And then told me that the intimacy and told me about the beauty of being with another person.  He also talked a little about codependency, which I could kind of see, I guess.  I feel bad for that one.  It was like saying I did not prioritize him.  I was a complete inconsiderate ass there.  Maybe in some way, he did want a serious relationship   But he wanted to have fun to get there.  I did not.  I wanted something more serious.

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