MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the category “him.”

My story. No frills. All action. Or rather, lack of action on my part until THIS.

I can’t believe it.  The coincidence to me was ridiculous.  I seriously didn’t see it coming till it slammed me in the face.

From across the street, I see it.  The stop.  And HIM.  I think my heart dropped to my stomach like a stone.  I mean, among the 10000000 people in the class, it had to be HIM at the bus stop.  Same time.  Same place.  WHY?!!  Much as I used to like him, I REALLY didn’t want to see him.  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t even know if he’d recognize me because.. I talked to him nearly a month ago.  The one and only time I initiated and introduced myself, by myself.  Well okay.  Enough with the excuses.  I’ll admit the obvious truth: I was scared.

I pull out my phone, start walking across the street.  Lamely fiddle with it, doing a bang-up job of pretend-text’ing.  And keep distractedly looking for the obviously-not-coming-bus in attempt to avoid looking his direction, praying desperately that I wouldn’t have to talk to him.

I finally concede that procrastinating on my phone is no longer a viable option.  and look up.   My mind kind of goes FUCK. Okay. not really.  more an instantaneous OH FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! rang through my entire being, loud and clear.  I mean, damn, it was such a strong thought I could have sworn everyone on the block could hear it.  Cue deer-in-headlights look.  Because sometime between my lame ass crossing of the street to fiddling too much with my phone, he’d apparently noticed me.  In fact, he was staring me right in the face.  At this point, I really had no idea what to do and still had nagging doubts about if he even recognized me.

Slight chin up greeting.  A casual, hey, how’s it going.  Is his response.  I couldn’t handle it; that’s about the most he’s ever said to me in about, oh, a year.  I was even wearing a different jacket from my last <1 minute conversation with him.  The probability of him still recognizing me, consequentially, seemed staggeringly against me and seriously, next to nil in my mind.  The shock finally piled over and my poor heart gave way.  I die on the spot.

The end.

——

Ooooookay.  So no, maybe it didn’t play out like that.  Sure felt like it did though.  First off, it was a relief he recognized me so it didn’t make for more awkward silence on my part, but secondly, I somehow found a way to manage a hey good, how are you back, then casually glancing at the other people at the stop to see if I recognized anyone.. but more to see if I had one last escape route to continue my professional ability to avoid being face-to-face with people I sorta like.  I didn’t.  So, I was stuck.  with him.

I mean.. I guess it was successful in that I didn’t stumble and SOUND like a bumbling idiot like with ______, who obviously knew I liked him until I screwed up.. but uh.. I pretty much lived up to the awkward little girl I make myself out to be: I didn’t make small talk.    I made lametalk.  Interview style.  At least in my mind.  And when I couldn’t handle looking him in the eye (which, for the record, being the skilled little introvert I was, was a record I diligently clutched onto, extending day after day like my life depended on it), I stare out the other way, praying, but not really looking, for the bus, until another interview question came to mind again.  Failure.  Whatevs.

At least I talked. like a normal person.  to him.  But only because I was done.  Back to normal me.  Not as much on the teenage high I was a couple weeks ago.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Very normal.  Not as mortifying as I expected even if not great.  Good.  I don’t think we’d get along well at this point.  I concede the talk was not that great or smooth.  But at least it was something.  At least.. I tried.  Even if it was forced onto me that I had to act.  For once.

Oh, you play such nice tricks on me, fate.  Just when I’d given up, just when I’d dropped him from his royal pedestal, you gave me the one chance I wanted so badly yet feared so much.. and I do thank you.  Honestly, I doubt I would ever have had the courage to do so otherwise.  I honestly don’t regret it, at least not after the fact, no matter what happens here on out.

..Yeah.  I’m about as cheesy as cheesy can get.  BUT YOU ENJOYED IT RIGHT?  RIIIIIGHT?  SECRETLY?!  MAAAAAYBE?

Sad.

Crestfallen eyes searching the void, desperate to grasp at something, anything, that will acknowledge the soul’s existence.  That will acknowledge the soul’s dwindling light of hope for nurture and love.  The desperation for the soft touch of someone who cares, a hug, a kiss, a soft intimate touch of love.  To be neglected of the basic necessities, stripped of the illusion, the mirage melts swiftly away into the oblivion.. No longer blinded by a filter of love, but the reality and acceptance of unrequited love and regret.. 

Of admiration afar never expressed.  

Of the generous window of opportunity that closed itself forever after indecision and insecurity. 

A wave of sadness.  A wave of despair. 

Hopeless.

Tomorrow will bring a new day.  For this, the soul needs.  A revival.  A new beginning.  A new life.  A new inspiration.  A new twinkle of hope.

Damn.  Can I just say that the guy got hotter too?  I think I have good taste in guys.  But anyways.  Cue heartbreak music!  Wooo!

To my newest addition to my line of victims.

The story: solemnly brought him to the sink, gave my absolute deepest apologies and a few extra seconds for him to experience his sweet (if not short) life in pond water.. and dunked him in ethanol.

Sorry Mr. G.  (G. for GINORMOUS!). Here’s a little corner of the internet dedicated to you.  RIP.  Thank you for your incredible generosity in donating your eternal [and uh, non-consensual] services in boosting my marks..

Much love always.

Your murderer, MMW.

ps.  You remember the guy  I was talking about before?  Yeah.  The coward in me finally re-introduced myself to him after days of agonizing over how to do so.  A buildup of over a year.  I don’t think he even remembers me.  I think I imagined everything.  He hasn’t even talked to me since.  Maybe I had the wrong person.  And maybe I’m.. oh, I don’t know… a.. 100% UNADULTERATED IDIOT?!  My investigation is done here.  Case closed.  Goodbye.

No. I give up.

He’s not making any effort.  Either he gave up on me.  Or something.  I can’t keep it up.  It’s just lame what I’m doing.  I’m not going to keep trying.  I’m wasting far too much time.

Come back common sense, I beg of you.

Don’t flee like a coward when I need you most.  I need you to help me stay grounded.  I’m floating in the skies of dreamy cloud nine.  In the  skies of non-existence.  Please don’t dissipate so readily into those skies like wisps of smoke.  In the skies of what could-be’s if I took action.  Please tell me to think otherwise.  Or make me forget.  No, no.  Actually, don’t do that.  I like him.  But I need to work.  I don’t have time for this today.  Please delay this fountain of emotions and dreams to three days from now.  Much as my human side needs tending to, my studies trump it as of right now and I will be royally screwed if I can’t get this done.  My mind cannot float into the oblivion and throw time out the window like this..

Please..

Troubled & confused.

He deliberately bumped into me after what I’m pretty sure was me fucking up and getting caught staring at him in the previous class although I’m not sure how the hell he caught me from halfway across of the class of 400 students in the lecture hall.  I couldn’t focus on my midterm after that.  He was sitting behind me.  I feel so bad for the people I do this to..  I wish I wasn’t so passive.  And I still doubt myself about recognizing him as the guy from before.  I want to ask so badly if he was the guy from last semester but I’m not sure how to ask without it coming across as really creepy and weird if he wasn’t him or forgot the whole incident (though I doubt he’d forget).

I really do want to say something.  But beyond my passiveness and shyness stopping me.. I found out he’s younger than me by at least a year or two.  I’ve never liked someone younger and wanted to actually pursue it.  Unconventional, does it work?  I don’t know..  maybe I should stop worrying and over-thinking, but I really do think there’s something there from the number of times I seem to run into him..

Aaaand now I’m rambling.  I’ll shut up.  I know the advice I’d give is to go for it.  BUT AHHHH.  IT’S SO MUCH MORE NERVE-WRACKING THAN IT SOUUUUUUUNDS.  I like my list of excuses.  I’m such a girl.

Please.  Calm down, stop beating so rapidly, heart.  You’re making me think irrationally.  I can’t bear it.

I found what I was looking for during last school term.

By accident.  The guy I made eye contact with.  I didn’t even realize he was there, or that he was him.  I just got randomly introduced today by a friend while waiting outside for a tutorial.. he wasn’t even in.  Only realized AFTER the fact.  The pieces started coming together for the slow individual I am:

– #1: when our former TA for the class walked by and said hi he knew him, I realized he may have been in my class before

– #2: I got confirmation from him that he was part of that class

– #3: he had the same color hair & hairstyle.  Sadly enough, I just realized I wouldn’t have been able to describe his face besides acne scars on the side because I could barely even stand to look at anyone who looks at me out of pure shyness, and I can’t remember from the few glances I did have.  Take me as the lion from Wizard of Oz, if you will; courage = non-existent.  😦

But anyways.  

Huh.  What are the odds of that?

The up side is, because I didn’t recognize him, I treated him normally.  The downside is, I realized how stupendously slow I am.  I would hope he recognized me though.. I wear the same characteristic pieces of clothing & accessories.  EVERYWHERE.

But yeah.  Moral of the story?  DON’T BE A STUPID ANTI-SOCIAL CAN’T-LOOK-PEOPLE-IN-THE-FACE-NEVER-MIND-EYES WEIRDO OF AN IDIOT THAT I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF TO BE.  

Over ‘n out.

An anonymous soul’s regrets.

I’m just a face in the crowds.  A soul among souls.  A dot among infinite dots, all hoping to make a mark.

But I’m letting my past hold me back. I’m letting my regrets rule my world:

Sometimes, one of those dots influence me greatly.  Whether in admiration of them, or something more.  And I don’t do anything.  I stand.  I stare in awe.  I let it walk by me and out of my life, unaware.  Yet, I let the godly image stand in my mind, a viral being clutching onto my soul, mesmerizing me.  And I allow this infection to fester.  I let the light of the dot flourish to epic proportions in my imagination, and it takes over my mind.

Years pass.

No longer is it the dot it originally was. It is something more in my mind, it is something of pure imagination and fairy tale at that point.  Except, I’m so drawn in by my thoughts I cannot pull out.  I cannot see reality.  I can only see the incredible image I have projected onto the dot.

And then the day comes when I chance upon the dot again.  Perhaps a mere coincidence, perhaps something more of divine intervention.  Who knows.

Nevertheless.  I realize time changes, time moved forward and gave that godly dot an alternate path from the one I projected onto it.  The years of imagination shed away in an instant, with shock to replace my awe.  My idol is not my idol.  It’s the projection I gave the dot, my imagination of the knight in shining armor, that was the idol I desired as I unwittingly influenced its change in my mind, emphasizing points of greatness, and forgetting the dot’s weakness altogether.  That was an idol of perfection.  This is not.

And thus, I realize my reality and imagination fall on very different frequencies.  And the realization sets in: what else have I missed, have I lost, have I thrown away, by being entrapped in my over-thinking, over-creative mind?  My regrets spiral me further into my mind.  I want none of that.  I want no regrets.  But I take no actions.  I don’t have a need to be a dot that makes a mark anymore.

I simply want to be a dot who is happy and regrets little.  I hope I can do that much.

As always: I regret what I did not do

You remember that post I happily posted up about that guy I shared a look with?  Well.  I’ve got him staring at me several more times, and they’re not just glances, but seconds long stares at least, I’ve never caught him staring away from the corner of my eye.  Maybe.. it was more than I thought.  Damn.  I thought it was a bit of an accident, nothing serious.  I should have done something, I really do regret it now.  Maybe there was feeling behind it.  Say hi. Anything.  Damn.  I feel bad.  And awesome. Because.. it’s the first time I’ve ever noticed explicit attention on me.  It feels good to know I’m noticed even when I deliberately keep myself anonymous in the sea of students.   I think I’ve had a lot of missed opportunities because I’m so passive.  Gotta man up..

fleeting romances: Just random news of the day.

So I was walking down the stairs to class.  A guy was walking diagonally across the ground floor, when he saw me coming down.  Cue intense 2-second eye-stare.  He locked eyes with me, slowed down, and smiled.  I think I may have given a smile, but I don’t remember.  But as always, I was first to look away, and never to look back again in a bout of shyness.  He wasn’t so bad looking. =)

That stare was sort of intense.  Makes me wonder what he was thinking, huh?

At the same time, I think leaving it like so is quite nice- if not fully satisfying.  A small romantic moment in time, a secret between two strangers.  It’s nice how even the spoken word was not required.

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