The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “June, 2019”

Motivation clues

This is not at all as objective as it should be.  But I want to write this way, just for once. A break from the objective me I try to be.


  • Never wanted a child.
  • Served as a trophy and status symbol on good days when I presented better than other people surrounding me
  • Shamed/threatened/controlled/hidden when I did not meet expectations.
  • Belief that everything I own, is his.  And that respect is commanded from me for what he has given.
  • Served as a bargaining chip to test people’s allegiance to him using threats; am I more disposable or him?  Eg.  Either I move out or she does. Anger when him.

Interesting observation.

I talked to a lovely, passionate, and open indigenous woman the other day for whom the most interesting (to me), but perhaps tragic reality , was her struggle to connect her two worlds as a result of the residential school and separation of her from her family.

  • The life she lived: the western family that took her in and raised her most of her life
  • The life she did not live / had taken away from her: the culture and history that her ancestors and genetic family had come from.  

To resolve the two and to learn about her culture, was a constant work in progress.  And her difficulty echoed something I struggle with.  For one, she explained – her biological family stressors consisted of life and death whereas, her western family stressors consisted of members getting a cold. For this, this would be nothing to her biological family. Her world were just so out of synch.  It is difficult to resolve the two.. I want to say the western family is out of touch – but perhaps given the life they had experienced, it was not.

It’s such a lonely place to be.  I have seen and experienced things different than that I perceive most experience in my city, and I felt disconnected when the majority of my age groups talks about music, TV shows, and food – things I care little about.  Her realities were even further apart, and I can’t even begin to understand how she managed to cope and/or heal.

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