The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind


I’m going to let it out so I can be free to accept it, manage it, and in the long run, make it mine to resolve.  And just like everything else, I accept that it will only come with time.

I can make all the excuses in the world, throw pity at myself, blame my history, and drown in the feeling.  But I must accept that this is a situation I have very decidedly pushed myself into.

I feel lonely.  That’s it.  It sounds simple, but it’s not something simple to solve.  And funnily enough, I thought it would be solved when I got back and settled back here.  But it didn’t.  I no longer have many connections here and more so, no close connections.  I thought I’d be surrounded by people my age.  Surrounded by friends.

I’m surrounded by strangers.  And I struggle to connect.  I think it might be my fault.  It might be the folly of large cities.  Some of this, some of that.

I yearn for intimacy, for closeness, for people to talk to me, for hugs, for people to understand me.  A social aspect to my life.  Yet, at the same time, I fear it a lot. I need to get over my fear.  Objectively, I was also far too picky.  Everyone has something wrong, and then even a first date doesn’t work out because I hesitate.  I’m passive.  I feared the unknown.  The hurdle that I blamed my past on.   I need to move on from my past and learn to live.

It hurts, almost to a physical point.

Loneliness is very psychologically painful.  And physically painful.  This, I have learned.

It is time for me to move on and embrace the future and stop embracing the past.  Easier said than done, but it will happen.  I will make it happen.

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