The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “December, 2016”

Is this potential relationship healthy? My gut says no.

I worked hard my entire life to learn to be comfortable emulating exactly who I am.  To become an authentic, genuine, well-adjusted, respectful, and introspective person.  To me, these are the most important qualities in a person.  I value having substance and good work ethic, and strive to live up to my own standards.  I thrive in making logical choices, using my introspective nature to make what I believe to be the best decision given the situation.

Meanwhile, the person I’m talking to right now.. when I gave my passionate, well-thought out reason for accepting to go out with him, his return answer to the question for asking me out was “..because you’re cute”.   I gave him a chance to expand, exclaiming in shock “that’s IT?!” before he mumbled some bullshit answer of it just feeling right.  Meanwhile, the rest of the day and his messages pointed to the fact that he seemed to appreciate me primarily, if not only, physically.  He wanted to cuddle more than talk when he didn’t even know me that well.  He playfully mentioned “ruining” me.  He told me I looked good in my clothing.  He did not seem overtly interested in my life and my work.  Fucking hell mate, I did NOT work 8 fucking years to be your little sex toy and arm candy.   I am pretty offended right now.  If this is his authentic self, I don’t like it.  Looks are not everything.  I am not 1-dimensional.

More than this, I am uncomfortable with the anime he watches and posts he makes frequently, in particular, how hyper-sexualized the women/girls are in the anime and in the pictures.  I feel like the female gender is reduced to being objectified and that it is uncomfortable to watch, providing little character to each character beyond their physical desirability.

His desire to be so close to me so fast, and to talk about dates.. 3 months in advance, meeting the parents, etc, scares me off.  I feel like he is living in his idea of who I am based on who he has built me up to be in his fantasy world.  He does not know me.

I first wanted to date him because I saw him for who he was in class, someone who was hard-working, had similar interests in some aspects, and a decent person.  But I am not sure I can deal with everything else I am seeing.

Now that I have what I suspect is happening, I’ll let my gut take over on the date.  Based on his fantasies of going out with me months in advance after just a single date, I suspect this may not go over well.  These may just be irreconcilable differences that I just listed.

I have.. nothing.

  1. I have nobody.
  2. I will have no job soon.
  3. I will have to leave the safety net of school soon.

I feel so vulnerable and scared.  I need to try hard these last few days.  This is the only last thing I have control over.

Interviews be like

Let me tell you what you want to hear

Now please read my body language and don’t hire me.  



That was my most half-hearted interview of my life.

Back down the rabbit hole I go.

I’m so sad and disappointed.  I should have expanded my search.  Now all I have is a possible dismal position in another facility in a career I didn’t want.  Sucked back down the very route I tried to break from.  I’m so sorry, me.  I’m so, so sorry.  It’s hard to love myself.  All in the name of desperation.  What did I do

Has anyone else been treated differently after your depth of experience and/or age was discovered by a co-worker or friend?

I have a habit of not to divulging my former experience, jobs, and my age to anyone unless if they ask.  First, I don’t see why this would concern them and secondly, this gives me a chance to judge them for who they are as a person.  See, I look like a 19 year old.  What I want to know is, would they use my physical appearance to judge whether to respect me?  Look down on me?  Assume I have no experience?

I have a belief that you should not judge people on appearances and it is difficult not to as it is the only thing you can go on when you first meet someone.  But I think it is also important to be aware of how you treat everyone and assumptions you think might be true – regardless of appearance.  Appearance should not be a surrogate for how experienced a person is or who they are as a person.  I try very hard to be open and place no assumptions on anyone I first meet and THIS is the type of person I want to associate with.  My friends may not be very typical or the mainstream people, but they are people who are beautiful on the inside and non-judgmental.

I have sadly had supervisors and co-workers I strongly believe have used my appearance to assume my incapability until proven despite the fact I was hired for the position:

  • There were instances where incapable co-workers more trusted than I was for the job.
  • I was highly amused seeing the change in attitude when the co-worker found my LinkedIn and realized I was so much more than he thought I was.  This was someone who had never shown an interest in me until then. (see “Now that I am calm and level-headed..” for more information..)

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