A psychological and physical disconnect
disconnected. A lack of warmth. The craving for touch, unmet. The craving for people who have a genuine mutual connection with me and by extension, engage in soul-bearing deep conversations about personal values and passions. Just.. a lack of conversations that are genuine and mean something.
I miss the people I left behind. The beautiful relationships I forged with them. The memories.
I crave a genuine intimacy. A hug charged by emotion and desire. Now that I have experienced a hug where (I presume) the trust (as opposed to lust..) was enough that our chest and stomach came in contact, I crave this kind of hug. I have come to the conclusion I really don’t need a relationship right now, I just want intimacy to fulfill my basic needs of feeling wanted, feeling loved. I know I have options, but they are not the right options. They are people whose personal values and motivations are not aligned with mine. I refuse to compromise my values for a fleeting physical need.
With no relationship, no close friends, I feel alien to this place. I am tired of reforging new relationships with people not of my age. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get out of this rut. I’m a little sad and I feel all alone in this over saturated city.