MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “September, 2016”

I am spiraling into a bad state again

I have older than my peers.  I have nobody.   I have no stable income.  I have no job security.  I have no place I call home.  I have no family of my own.  I am tired and worn out.  I don’t know what to do.

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A psychological and physical disconnect

I feel..

disconnected.  A lack of warmth.  The craving for touch, unmet.  The craving for people who have a genuine mutual connection with me and by extension, engage in soul-bearing deep conversations about personal values and passions.  Just.. a lack of conversations that are genuine and mean something.

I miss the people I left behind.  The beautiful relationships I forged with them.  The memories.

I crave a genuine intimacy.  A hug charged by emotion and desire.  Now that I have experienced a hug where (I presume) the trust (as opposed to lust..) was enough that our chest and stomach came in contact, I crave this kind of hug.  I have come to the conclusion I really don’t need a relationship right now, I just want intimacy to fulfill my basic needs of feeling wanted, feeling loved.  I know I have options, but they are not the right options. They are people whose personal values and motivations are not aligned with mine.  I refuse to compromise my values for a fleeting physical need.

With no relationship, no close friends, I feel alien to this place.  I am tired of reforging new relationships with people not of my age.  I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know how to get out of this rut.  I’m a little sad and I feel all alone in this over saturated city.

I really, really liked him.

Aug 28th.  JH moved into our place as the person to be taking over my little basement suite.  That was when I learned that a) she really liked and admired JF b) that JF was thirty.  I was pretty shocked – I never really thought about how old he was or realized he was that old.

Aug 29th. JH asked about JF’s GF and he became pretty flustered. She had gone away for more than a month and found herself a new boyfriend. They had been together for 7 years. I suspected something months back when he talked about an ex he had never talked about before and when he seemed to have become more touchy and flirty with some girls.  He also always stayed with me at the conference and would get up to talk to me when I entered the room.  I never really took notice because I assumed he was taken.. Anyways.  Everyone else got up to leave but he stayed behind a minute to ask me about how my work was going.

August 30th.

I get a completely unexpected linkedin request from JF.  Whaaat?  I feel like this explains all the looks I got from him the past months.  He’d look back to me every time I was nearby.  He must have been shocked at what I did rather than liking me.  He excused it as me being a suggested person on linkedin to him as a connection.  I didn’t think so.  Including me, he only has a total of 7 connections on there.  Suspicious?

Work lunch.  Nosy (thank gosh) co-worker asks about all our relationships.  JF talks about the breakup.  Then I was the next target.

“Any boyfriend?”

Me: [shook my head] “noo..”

“What about a [current location] boyfriend??”

Me: [small laugh] “Hmmm, yeah in my flooded basement..”

JF: [laughs].

That would have been the first time that JF would have gotten solid confirmation I was single.  I told him my age when I was doing work with him a couple months earlier though.

Went to SS’s place as a last get-together.  I wore shorts and a t-shirt after showering and got there around 8:30PM as I had just finished two sports.  At the end of the night, he hesitantly approached me and told me that he wouldn’t be there on my last day.   I immediately said I’d give him a hug.  I went on tip toes and put my right arm up around his shoulder.  He completely engulfed me.  But then, he gently pushed my lower back toward him more and our stomach and chest were completely in contact:

ryan-gosling-toronto-airport-5-441x560

Reference: http://static.celebuzz.com/uploads/2011/09/12/Ryan-Gosling-Toronto-Airport-5-441×560.jpg

I was pretty shocked, I did not expect that, but I liked him so I let it stay for a second or two before letting go.  He held on a short while longer, and kept his left hand around my waist, and trailed his other hand down to my waist, and kept his hand there for a second.  Passionate hug at homeReference: http://static9.depositphotos.com/1192060/1101/i/950/depositphotos_11016256-Passionate-hug-at-home.jpg

 

It was a very un-platonic hug and rang bells in my head.  I couldn’t stop thinking about it.   Did he do this because he missed the physical contact or did he actually like me?  Did this mean he had been trying to flirt with me the past couple months?  How could I show him in 1 day that I liked him?  Would it be creepy if I did?  I was pretty unsettled and confused and I desperately wanted answers.  I resolved I would ask for his number somehow or give him mine.

August 31st.  I nervously tried to craft an email to him with my number in it without making it sound like a booty call.  It was pretty difficult.  Luckily, this did not end up getting sent as he came by work at 1:30PM to pick up the other girl.  I saw him coming down the hall from my work area.  Had he gone by to try and find me?  In any case, I saw him, we had a bit of small talk and I was all awkward cause I didn’t know what to do.  I awkwardly asked if I could have his number, mumbling a bullshit excuse of realizing that I did not have had his number despite a year of seeing him.  He was completely fine with it and said it wasn’t surprising since barely anyone had his number.  He also added his email for me of his own accord.  I told him to visit me in my hometown, which was about as close as I could get to saying JUST ASK ME ON A FUCKING DATE PLEASE in my passive aggressive completely indirect manner in front of the nosy co-worker.  He laughed and told me he would have 50 people to visit then.  Bummer.  I don’t think he will contact me.  But I did what I could to get the message across.

No regrets.  What happens, will happen.  Nothing more I can do.  We are now 4 hours apart.

Sigh.

Edit:

Nov. 29, 2016 – he touches my hair, my arm, my shoulder.  Then picked me up by putting his hands under my butt and lifting me up to say goodbye.  However, he had been, what I thought to be, flirting hard with another girl and distractedly texting. Is he trying to string me along, is he a crazy social chameleon so he reflected the sassy personality of the girl, is he just touchy-feely, or does he just like my body?!  I felt like he just really liked the other girl though.  I thought he wasn’t interested at all and tried to back off.


/an aside/  Dec 23 + 28:  I went on dates with another guy who was a little too attached and still is.  I forewarned him I am not willing to commit OR go beyond casual dates because a) we went on several dates ONLY b) I’m leaving for SEVERAL months!!!  ..but he still fell head first and claims he’s heartbroken.  Buddy, I was speaking the truth when I said I’m not willing to commit to anything.. I told you on the first date, I think I am reasonable and considerate..


Jan. 2, 2017 (Monday) – he seemed a bit wary to touch me after I neglected to give him any physical contact after all his physical contact.  It was a little awkward next to him.  I just didn’t know what he wanted and wasn’t willing to put anything on flirting with him since he flirted with the other girl and didn’t pick up on contacting me when I gave him my number before I left in August.  But I did hug him, and he again, pushed my waist in and this time lifted me up by the waist, to the chagrin of another male in our group, I believe.  This guy has long since harbored a not-so-secret crush on me and I don’t ever encourage anything, even going as far as to flirt in front of him, yet he keeps going.  I need to tell him some day..

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