MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “August, 2015”

Overprotecting & infantilizing.

I dislike my mother.  She cannot understand what anyone feels besides herself.  If she feels one way, she will impose it on you in form of passive aggressive questioning until you give in or until she does it anyways for you but will never admit to it when you call her out on it.  Instead, she laughs, disagrees, and changes the subject.  It’s fucking suffocating, like I can’t make my own decisions.  And then that coddling high pitched voice of concern she uses to top it all off, as if I’m a child who cannot take damn care of myself.  Fucking BACK. OFF.    I’m not a kid.  I’m not a teen.  I’m not even living at home anymore.  I hate calling them.  I hate them calling me.  I want nothing to do with my mother’s constant worries, concerns, complaints, and fears every day of her life.  There is nothing positive, ever.  The life at home is beyond toxic.  And every phone call reminds me of why I don’t want to go back.

My mother cannot hear me.  She cannot hear anyone but herself.  And she will never realize it.  She does not listen.  So fucking frustrating.  I’m being beyond vocal about what I feel, yet I am not heard.

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Inconsiderate and tactless.

I have never met anyone so inconsiderate and thoughtless before until today.  The issues that ultimately angered me:
  1. Prior everything, he was already talking to everyone about stopping over at places in between during the ride back to buy stuff for himself.  And this was with me there, and I was his ride, and he had not asked whether I wanted to go there.  Or whether I would drive him there.  It was about him, him, him, and he made it sound it was expected of me to drive him there. I was pretty annoyed.
  2. Team meeting at 6am to arrive by 8am at a place.  I’m driving him, so I stop by his place and he doesn’t answer my texts or my phone call so I text him and tell him I’m leaving. Already, I am 3 minutes late for the meeting because I was waiting for him.
  3. I get there, and finally receive texts from him. Note, that he lives literally 2 minutes away from the meeting spot by car AND has his own car:
    1. I thought we were meeting 6:30am
    2. I will finish breakfast in 10 minutes (I text him, “Seriously, breakfast when you’re late?” and his reply is “I was already making breakfast when you texted”  The hell!  You’re late.  and you are still as determined to finish breakfast without so much as a sorry and dashing there?!)
    3. I will get there in 20 minutes (WTF.)
    4. I can’t make it there by foot.  Am I really driving to the meeting spot?  Can you not just drive back around to my place and drive me to the festival so I don’t have to drive to the meeting spot? (FUCK NO.)
  4. Team has decided we will go in someone else’s car to carpool with, not mine.  And he gets in the car and goes: Sorry for being late.  You can get there on time, it takes 1.5h, not 2h.  We’ll be fine.  (THAT’S. NOT. THE. FUCKING. POINT.  You inconvenience all of us, and then you proceed to tell us your fuckup isn’t really going to fuck us up?  Seriously?)
  5. He sensed I was pissed (At least he realizes something..).  So at the place, he  tries to feed me excuses about hearing the wrong meeting time.  No.  No.  Why the hell do I want to listen to your excuses.  How about apologies instead.)
  6. Driving back: He’s all happy and carefree again, evidently carelessly not realizing everyone, especially the driver, is still extremely pissed at him.  He goes “wanna hear some music?”  The sweet sweet reply from the driver, a curt, cold “Not really.”  Then he slams the door to the car shut to the car, driver slams on him “DO. NOT. SLAM. THE. DOOR.”  No sorry from him, just an “okay..”  Driver repeats this to him when we leave the car.  I like the driver.

Here are the fuck ups if it was unclear: he was inconsiderate towards the fact I was supposed to drive and somehow assumed I’d stop over at all these places he wanted.  And most of all, it wasn’t even that he got the meeting time wrong.  I didn’t think that was a big deal.  The big deal was where he was inconsiderate of how he inconvenienced us and seemed to feel like it was a non-issue with no offer of making up for his mistake at all.  I hate him at this point.  As does my roommate who works with him day in day out.  She said he jokingly asked her if she was really happy to be almost done work with him and she said yes.. and he did not even realize she was serious.  He just is sloppy and falls asleep at work.  Everywhere.  I don’t respect his decisions and lack of responsibility.  I don’t care for him at all.

Vulnerability

I never realized that being more vulnerable, telling people your feelings, exposing what could hurt you.. could strengthen and make relationships closer.  Although a gamble whether the other person will respond to support you and validate your feelings or choose to take advantage of your vulnerability, you will know your true friends through it and come out closer to those worth being with.  Very worth realizing.  I may start acting differently and being more vulnerable with people from now on, at least those I think will respond in kind.

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