The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “February, 2015”

Everything paid off.

Full license.

Summer offer.

One of the BEST mornings full of relief.  And feelings of self-doubt about if I was meant for this role.. but that’s just my lack of confidence speaking.  But we shall see, we shall see.  This will be a big change.  I hope it works out for the better.  I really hope so.  I spent 2 years pining over this sort of offer via applications, volunteering, class, and even using jobs to do with public speaking to make my talking sound more confident and better.  and even longer for my license.


The moment when you realize one of your references you used on EVERY single application may have costed you a year’s worth of applications and interviews (8+..) and been a good part of the reason for your failure to get jobs.

HOLY ROYAL MOTHER FUCKING GOD. I kept giving her amazing reviews too.  Fuck. No more.

I’m just devastated.

And now not only am I feeling down, but I’m terrified how the rest of my references are.  I. NEED. good references.  But I screw up on every single job in an unimpressive way.  I’m just.. not meant to be doing this.  I’m a total fraud, and even the imposter syndrome isn’t true because I’m NOT a frigging high achiever no matter how hard I try.  I’m not top of the class.  I’m a mediocre nobody struggling silently in a field I was never meant to be in.

gotta live and learn.  bad references can fuck you up real good.

Sometimes, I wish I was not myself.

I’m so slow.  I always have trouble understanding simple concepts and digest what is said.  As such, it takes me typically double the time other people take if not longer.

And this makes me terrible at situational questions.  but great at teaching people because I understand.. how hard I find it to understand myself and have played with the idea so many times prior in my head.

I’m just really sad.  It just did not go well.  I have no more expectations for myself.  Time to try again next week and focus on what needs to be done this week.

Post Navigation