The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “January, 2015”


Fuck I really want to talk to someone and spill my guts out.

I have ZERO idea what’s happening in one course of 15 people where we’ve been deriving formulas all class long and you can bet I’m pretty damn terrified.  My research course is even more self-directed as my primary supervisor can’t help or email me due to injuries sustained over the break.  And my third course that people say is hard and full of memorization is pretty much my easiest course right now all things considered.  I’m in a pretty foul mood right now.  This was supposed to be my easy semester.  Fuck, that’s on top of the fact the guy I thought liked me was actually getting fucking married as mentioned prior that I still am stunned about.  I’m 100% ready for a break, world.

I sit and I pretend that I can get along without anybody else as I slowly wither up into the true heartless soul that I am. Loneliness and fear cause us to slowly build walls around ourselves isolating ourselves and causing potential friends and contacts to seem threatening. Then we decide that we don’t really need any friends and that we can get along just fine without people thanks. This goes on for a while until you realize that that you actually do need people. But by then the wall is too high, and the only friends you have left are the bricks you used to build it.

Good thing I NEVER asked him out or ANYTHING. Good thing I decided YESTERDAY to give up on him.

Because I just fucking realized how played I was.  I REALLY don’t get the super friendly long looks I was getting, the staring he did in the Spring semester, am I really that out of it?  Was there SERIOUSLY nothing there?  The hell!

In any case.  Apparently he’s getting married to the girl I saw in the lab with him on December 15, 2014.  I’m 100% over it now.  So glad he spared me any extra mindfuckery.  Good.  Now I can concentrate on someone else and this semester a hell of a lot better.

It is time.

It’s time to let go of the dream you clung so desperately onto.

The dream that he’s still here. The greatest dream of all that I was absolutely convinced by all accounts.. that we shared a mutual interest.

It’s time.

Time to start over.  To start fresh. To start anew. Even if you feel miserable and incredibly sad.  But most of all, I need to remember to forgive myself and let what has passed, pass as painful and difficult as it may be.  I had my chance once and once again, but I did not do enough.  I lost the chance I once had.  The sadness and heaviness that lingers is but my own doing.

It’s been a week.

A week since school started.  And I haven’t seen him at all.  I’ve hounded the lab, praying maybe he’d come by.  I haven’t heard of the staff there mention his name since prior Christmas.  I REALLY hope he’s still around school and the lab because I’ve almost entirely lost hope.  And I feel a little depressed.  Or really depressed actually.  About how I’ve basically come a full circle to where I was before.  Without having said anything to move anything forward.  I just.. never change.

The moment when you realize you get excited every time you hear someone enter the lab you’re in is the moment you realize 15+hrs of doing lab work alone a week is 15hrs too many even when you enjoy the work.  Maybe I’m not nearly as introverted as I thought.  Or maybe I just really really miss seeing him there.  😦

I’m really not in a good place right now.  Sorry world.  It was me.  All because of me that I am in the negative mental place I am in.  Much like before, I should have done something.  I have no one else to blame.

I feel like I have never felt so incredibly lonely before.  I can’t tell if it’s from the lack of relationships or the lack of friends.  I just.. want to talk to people so bad.  Be with people so bad.  Anyone.  Pretty much all the people I know and love have graduated.  I don’t feel like I fit in anymore.

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