MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “October, 2013”

My story. No frills. All action. Or rather, lack of action on my part until THIS.

I can’t believe it.  The coincidence to me was ridiculous.  I seriously didn’t see it coming till it slammed me in the face.

From across the street, I see it.  The stop.  And HIM.  I think my heart dropped to my stomach like a stone.  I mean, among the 10000000 people in the class, it had to be HIM at the bus stop.  Same time.  Same place.  WHY?!!  Much as I used to like him, I REALLY didn’t want to see him.  I didn’t know what to say.  I didn’t even know if he’d recognize me because.. I talked to him nearly a month ago.  The one and only time I initiated and introduced myself, by myself.  Well okay.  Enough with the excuses.  I’ll admit the obvious truth: I was scared.

I pull out my phone, start walking across the street.  Lamely fiddle with it, doing a bang-up job of pretend-text’ing.  And keep distractedly looking for the obviously-not-coming-bus in attempt to avoid looking his direction, praying desperately that I wouldn’t have to talk to him.

I finally concede that procrastinating on my phone is no longer a viable option.  and look up.   My mind kind of goes FUCK. Okay. not really.  more an instantaneous OH FUUUUUUUUUUUCK! rang through my entire being, loud and clear.  I mean, damn, it was such a strong thought I could have sworn everyone on the block could hear it.  Cue deer-in-headlights look.  Because sometime between my lame ass crossing of the street to fiddling too much with my phone, he’d apparently noticed me.  In fact, he was staring me right in the face.  At this point, I really had no idea what to do and still had nagging doubts about if he even recognized me.

Slight chin up greeting.  A casual, hey, how’s it going.  Is his response.  I couldn’t handle it; that’s about the most he’s ever said to me in about, oh, a year.  I was even wearing a different jacket from my last <1 minute conversation with him.  The probability of him still recognizing me, consequentially, seemed staggeringly against me and seriously, next to nil in my mind.  The shock finally piled over and my poor heart gave way.  I die on the spot.

The end.

——

Ooooookay.  So no, maybe it didn’t play out like that.  Sure felt like it did though.  First off, it was a relief he recognized me so it didn’t make for more awkward silence on my part, but secondly, I somehow found a way to manage a hey good, how are you back, then casually glancing at the other people at the stop to see if I recognized anyone.. but more to see if I had one last escape route to continue my professional ability to avoid being face-to-face with people I sorta like.  I didn’t.  So, I was stuck.  with him.

I mean.. I guess it was successful in that I didn’t stumble and SOUND like a bumbling idiot like with ______, who obviously knew I liked him until I screwed up.. but uh.. I pretty much lived up to the awkward little girl I make myself out to be: I didn’t make small talk.    I made lametalk.  Interview style.  At least in my mind.  And when I couldn’t handle looking him in the eye (which, for the record, being the skilled little introvert I was, was a record I diligently clutched onto, extending day after day like my life depended on it), I stare out the other way, praying, but not really looking, for the bus, until another interview question came to mind again.  Failure.  Whatevs.

At least I talked. like a normal person.  to him.  But only because I was done.  Back to normal me.  Not as much on the teenage high I was a couple weeks ago.  Nothing more, nothing less.  Very normal.  Not as mortifying as I expected even if not great.  Good.  I don’t think we’d get along well at this point.  I concede the talk was not that great or smooth.  But at least it was something.  At least.. I tried.  Even if it was forced onto me that I had to act.  For once.

Oh, you play such nice tricks on me, fate.  Just when I’d given up, just when I’d dropped him from his royal pedestal, you gave me the one chance I wanted so badly yet feared so much.. and I do thank you.  Honestly, I doubt I would ever have had the courage to do so otherwise.  I honestly don’t regret it, at least not after the fact, no matter what happens here on out.

..Yeah.  I’m about as cheesy as cheesy can get.  BUT YOU ENJOYED IT RIGHT?  RIIIIIGHT?  SECRETLY?!  MAAAAAYBE?

Sad.

Crestfallen eyes searching the void, desperate to grasp at something, anything, that will acknowledge the soul’s existence.  That will acknowledge the soul’s dwindling light of hope for nurture and love.  The desperation for the soft touch of someone who cares, a hug, a kiss, a soft intimate touch of love.  To be neglected of the basic necessities, stripped of the illusion, the mirage melts swiftly away into the oblivion.. No longer blinded by a filter of love, but the reality and acceptance of unrequited love and regret.. 

Of admiration afar never expressed.  

Of the generous window of opportunity that closed itself forever after indecision and insecurity. 

A wave of sadness.  A wave of despair. 

Hopeless.

Tomorrow will bring a new day.  For this, the soul needs.  A revival.  A new beginning.  A new life.  A new inspiration.  A new twinkle of hope.

Damn.  Can I just say that the guy got hotter too?  I think I have good taste in guys.  But anyways.  Cue heartbreak music!  Wooo!

Please stop.

please.. please stop all the bickering, arguing and yelling everyday.  It hurts.  I have nowhere else to go to escape from this toxic environment.  I can only stay in school for so long everyday.  I can only pretend to be happy for so long.  I can only hold my positive exterior shell together by the strands for so long.  Until the last threads wear thing.  Before I break.  Before I collapse.

To my newest addition to my line of victims.

The story: solemnly brought him to the sink, gave my absolute deepest apologies and a few extra seconds for him to experience his sweet (if not short) life in pond water.. and dunked him in ethanol.

Sorry Mr. G.  (G. for GINORMOUS!). Here’s a little corner of the internet dedicated to you.  RIP.  Thank you for your incredible generosity in donating your eternal [and uh, non-consensual] services in boosting my marks..

Much love always.

Your murderer, MMW.

ps.  You remember the guy  I was talking about before?  Yeah.  The coward in me finally re-introduced myself to him after days of agonizing over how to do so.  A buildup of over a year.  I don’t think he even remembers me.  I think I imagined everything.  He hasn’t even talked to me since.  Maybe I had the wrong person.  And maybe I’m.. oh, I don’t know… a.. 100% UNADULTERATED IDIOT?!  My investigation is done here.  Case closed.  Goodbye.

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