MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “August, 2013”

Hatred. Frustration. Expression.

I don’t like writing so many negative blogs, but I really need to put another one of these out there.  For my own sanity and pent-up frustration.

So we get into a disagreement about a random, unimportant topic.  He continually refuses to acknowledge my conclusion based on what I know about the situation of which he knows none about except what I have said, but offers his opinion anyways..  as fact (apologies for the long-winded sentence).  So I start getting frustrated.  He’s not listening.

The moment he senses my frustration, he not only entirely disregards my opinion and knowledge of the situation, but shuts me down entirely, telling me harshly that I may NOT raise my voice at him.  And that I better not get into a verbal argument with him about the situation because he WILL win all arguments no matter what.  And then continues calmly about his opinion on the matter.

I refused to look at him or talk to him after that.  I was so mad.  I felt so disrespected.  I am not a dog.  I am not someone to be talked down to.  I know my own self-worth, and it’s more than he’s ever seen me as.  He’s put me down for everything, even the jobs I take.  All he sees of my job is that I dirtied his property, his car.  And everyday after hours and hours of fucking backbreaking work outside, he greets me by calling me a fucking name.  Black person.  African.  Anything along those lines.  Because of my tan from work.  And then he tells me my work must be easy because I come home early.  No.  That’s fucking gigant-ass no.  I was fucking dying out there in 35 degrees under the sun.  I came home early because I worked fucking fast so I could get out of the heat.  It was that bad.  I would cut my own pay to escape my job faster.

Anyways.  It doesn’t matter what I think.  Because he refuses to listen.    To hear.  He can only accept what he thinks on the matter.  All he cares about is himself and his obviously “right” opinion.  In every matter.  Nothing else matters or can be right.  He’s like a fucking alpha dog trying to use threats to keep his underdogs in check.

That disrespectful arrogant self-centered prideful prick.

Fucking bastard.

I’m going out.  I can’t stand this place.

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My favorite inspirational quotes

  1. If you can, go outside and look at the night sky. See each of those tiny points of light? That’s a star- a gigantic, whirling ball of flaming gas that is billions of times larger than Earth. Or maybe it’s a galaxy, so large that a trillion Earths would still be small in scale. And then look around. There are thousands of stars, millions, more than we could ever count. The universe is massive. It is gigantic. It is nearly incomprehensible.  And then look at you. You are not the size of Earth. You are small. Veeeerry small. So small, that you couldn’t even see yourself from one of those stars with the most powerful of telescopes. You couldn’t be photographed from the bottom of the ocean. You are small. Miniscule. Almost non-existent. And yet you exist.The great thing about being small, though, is that your problems are small, too. So is your fear. And your doubt. And your worry that you’ll be alone when you explore- which you won’t be. ‘Cause you will meet people along the journey that think like you, feel like you, desire the company with a friend like you do. And if you don’t, call me up, I’ll join you.I don’t know if this is helpful, but it’s what’s kept me going over the past couple of days. hug From one explorer to another: It’s going to be OK.
  2. Chances are chances no matter how slim. Even a trickle of light can flood a room. Force it. Show them you were better than how you played today. Show them that YOU deserve what you desire. Or you can just give in and end it all; let that trickle of light fade away.
  3. You’ll never be able to tell your friends from your enemies until the ice breaks underneath you.
  4. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.
  5. Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.
  6. For a brief moment in time, you were a moment in someone’s life. A mere extra, passing through their thoughts in milliseconds, but milliseconds of their story nonetheless. For every person you’ve exchanged eye contact with, you have made a contribution to their existence, be it significant or not.
  7. The decision to be positive is not one that disregards or belittles the sadness that exists.  It is rather a conscious choice to focus on the good, and to cultivate happiness – genuine happiness. Happiness is not a limited resource. and when we devote our energy and time to trivial matters and choose to stress over things that ultimately are insignificant, from that point, we perpetuate our own sadness and rationalize our way out of doing amazing things.”(Christopher Aiff – watch the youtube channel SoulPancake coverage of him.  It’s by far the most beautiful, inspirational & uplifting video I’ve seen to date.)
  8.  Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by …WHO WE ARE. You are specialdon’t ever forget it.” — Author Unknown
  9. everyone is a sum of their choices.  And I want to make the most of my choices so I can feel proud of myself.  And that’s what drives me to work hard and to open myself to opportunities I may not have otherwise taken.” – Myself 😀
  10. As it turns out, much of the negative experience of emotions is the cover-up. It’s when you resist, hide, or try to change those emotions that you experience them as painful.When you do that, you’re playing with mental superglue again. You’re putting so much pressure and focus on those emotions that they are held in place. Remember, when you don’t hold on to thought and emotion, new thought and emotion rushes in” – some random inspiring interwebz person
  11. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who love you. The worth of our lives comes, not in what we do or who we know, but by …WHO WE ARE. You are special – don’t ever forget it.” — Author Unknown
  12. ” Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. “
  13. ” Don’t count the days, make the days count.”
  14. ” ..We’ll never be ready. ANd if we choose to wait, we’ll miss our chance to make a difference.”- Amulet V
  15. “You can’t control your situation, but you can control how you react to your situation”
  16. “One final paragraph of advice: do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am – a reluctant enthusiast….a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.”
    ― Edward Abbey
  17. “Fear is a failure to focus.” – mountaineering professional’s quote from a friend
  18. “don’t let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do”
  19. “give me the strength to change what I can, the serenity to accept what I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference”
  20. BE CALM:
    1.If you can’t control things, then don’t worry about them.
    2.React to situations as and when they arise.
    3.Wise men usually say nothing until they have heard all the facts
  21. Don’t waste time dwelling on mistakes of the past, you only have one lifetime to make a difference; go be the change you want to see in this world

Philosophies:

  1. HABITS: creating a /craving/ is what creates a habit.  To do so: find a cue-> create a routine-> reap a reward, something positive.  And this will promote the creation of a habit because you get something out of it.
  2. GUT INSTINCTS OFTEN HAVE BASIS EVEN IF WE DON’T CONSCIOUSLY RECOGNIZE IT – SO HEED IT AT TIMES: for long term decisions (eg. job related, relationships) use gut instinct whereas for short term, think carefully and not on impulse/instinct.
  3. MAKING CONVERSATIONS ROLL SMOOTHER: limit conversation to where participants may turn down NO idea – making it inclusive to all and carries conversation better

Murderously itchy.

30+ mosquito bites in 7 hours.  Inevitable bloodstain smear on my work.  Apparently going through my t-shirt wasn’t enough for them, they even went through my pants and bit my ass 5+ times.  Fantastic.  I can’t wait to see another one drop off my hat and land on a sticky trap. I want to see them all SQUIRM AND DIE A FRIGGING TERRIBLE DEATH.

STORYTIME!

Man oh man.

So I’m in the car.  In the middle of nowhere that sane people go, when a GIGA-NORMOUS FRIGGING DARK-ASS THING COMES FLYING OUT OF NOWHERE and SLAMS onto my driver’s car door just inches away from me.  I COMPLETELY freak out, scream, fall onto the passenger seat trying to get as far away as possible and was positively seconds away from a heart attack when I realized it was my hipster supervisor donning his usual dark outfit & shades with his face and hands mashed up against my window.  Dude could not even walk straight after —limped back to his car doubling over in laughter.

Funny in retrospect.  But uh. NOT COOL!

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