I’m in a calm state right now which I think is perfect to talk about my family because I will be void of emotions that will sway my opinion into making someone seem worse or better than they actually are.
So here’s the thing: I think I’ve got the perfect description of my father.
He has good intentions. He tries to be a ‘good’ father. He tries to help the family. But because of his egotistic and prideful nature, he always puts himself first. In that, he refuses to lose an argument, he is always right in his mind no matter what. No matter what anyone says. There is no arguing with him. His ideas are always right, yours are always wrong.
If you even dare cross or tip toe the line anywhere near his pride and tell him he is wrong, you, my dear friend, are incinerated on the spot with foul words, put downs, and physical violence. These are words and actions are the first of many things he will never take back or ever apologize for due to his nature. He will always support his own actions no matter how illogical.
He even defended himself when he went drunk once from drinking an entire bottle of red wine in one sitting, and to our family’s utter embarrassment, everyone else in our company, a tour bus, knew as well. He never admitted to it and justified his actions and refused to admit being drunk despite my mother and brother’s confrontation of him and how scared my brother and I were.
I speculate that this behaviour of my father my entire life, is what led me to being so distant from people. I adapted to a cold, distant father who could not see past his pride, and have had times where I deliberately tried to convince myself I needed no one, that I can be completely independent. And I still do that sometimes. Connection is something very difficult for me, particularly when it comes to guys. I’m so, so scared of trusting or talking with anyone. Even with immediate family, I cannot bear a hug or closeness, it makes me feel insanely vulnerable, akin to someone pointing a knife at my heart and escape is impossible.
My mother tries to deal with this by never crossing his pride and when she does, she swallows her pride and lets him have his way. She tells us to do the same to avoid this confrontation in our family, because argument or discussion is futile. I reiterate, he is always right.
I guess every family has its dark secret. I want to yell and tell the world all this sometimes. But in the scheme of things, will anyone really care? Is it really all that important? I think I just need to be careful of how I feel and what I do more so, so that I never come to mimic his behaviour and let it affect me as little as possible. But habits die hard. It’s hard to break free of the idea that I need to help myself because no one else will.. as this is the idea that’s been reinforced my entire life.
I’ll struggle with this my entire life, I know this much. But I’ve got to move on past this constant disgust for my father. But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like him still. I honestly don’t know how to deal with this, beyond moving out. My poor mother.. her naive nature and innocence lets him have his way, always. I hate it. She whispered her dreams of divorce once upon a time, envying her happily married friends, but nevertheless has always accepted defeat and sadness instead.