MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “March, 2013”

Excuse my passive aggressive post.

There’s no way I wouldn’t be face severe consequences  if I said some things in life out loud.  So instead, I’m going to shout them to the ‘net instead.

What did she do to deserve this.  Why did she sentence herself to be with this egotistical man?  What the hell drew her to him?  When I reflect on her life and what she’s gone through of her own choice, I feel sorry for her.  It’s not a life I want.  And it’s not my life, I’m a blank slate right now.  I have a long lifetime of choices ahead of me.  I will learn from her mistakes.

Sometimes.. I wish I could run away.  Run far, far away from this life and leave this distant memory as a haze, a faded moment in time.  She always asks if I am scared of him.  He used to scare me, but no more because I would rather die defending myself than fold in to him and his violence.  More than that, I want everyone to know about him.  About his ways.  I want people to find what I wrote.  If I die.  I would die to have that happen.  I refuse to ever be like him in personality.  I vow to be as humble a person as possible, as calm, and as patient and non-judgmental as possible.

In other news, I’m in a sappy sad mood.  What to do, what to do.  Should I go for it?  I should go for it!  .. I’m so damn scared.  It’s been killing me for days now.  Days, weeks, months, literally.  But then I always have my argument: I don’t actually know him.  I feel insanely shallow.. and insecure.  I don’t like being shallow, but I feel like there’s something there.  If he doesn’t feel the same way, fuck.  Then I truly freaking suck at understanding people.

Song of the day given I’m a sap today:  I’m falling for you

Quote of the day: You’re going to suck. You’re going to fuck up.  But.. that’s how you learn.

A tangled mess of emotions.

I want to give my friend a hug so bad.  She really needs it.

I’m a tornado of feelings right now.  I’m happy and sad.  Appreciative but really sorry.

My friend just told me her family troubles which puts all complaints I have to shame.  First off, she has to pay off her degree.  Then pay off her rent.  Then pay off the groceries.  And all of that, on minimum wage.  And not full-time either.  Which definitely doesn’t cover all of this so she’s digging into her small savings.  Her degree hasn’t gotten her anywhere at all.  I really feel like crying when I hear what she has to go through.  It’s so tough, but there are genuinely so many people like her out there, trying their best to make ends meet alone.

Because of her story, I’m determined to work really really hard.  I want to pay back my parents in hard work if nothing else.  It made me realize how amazing my parents are.  I feel so immensely grateful for them being there and supporting me in everything I do so much.  Despite our differences and our faults and not meeting eye-to-eye in everything, they are truly the best parents in the world.  They are all I could have asked for, and then some.

Come back common sense, I beg of you.

Don’t flee like a coward when I need you most.  I need you to help me stay grounded.  I’m floating in the skies of dreamy cloud nine.  In the  skies of non-existence.  Please don’t dissipate so readily into those skies like wisps of smoke.  In the skies of what could-be’s if I took action.  Please tell me to think otherwise.  Or make me forget.  No, no.  Actually, don’t do that.  I like him.  But I need to work.  I don’t have time for this today.  Please delay this fountain of emotions and dreams to three days from now.  Much as my human side needs tending to, my studies trump it as of right now and I will be royally screwed if I can’t get this done.  My mind cannot float into the oblivion and throw time out the window like this..

Please..

Troubled & confused.

He deliberately bumped into me after what I’m pretty sure was me fucking up and getting caught staring at him in the previous class although I’m not sure how the hell he caught me from halfway across of the class of 400 students in the lecture hall.  I couldn’t focus on my midterm after that.  He was sitting behind me.  I feel so bad for the people I do this to..  I wish I wasn’t so passive.  And I still doubt myself about recognizing him as the guy from before.  I want to ask so badly if he was the guy from last semester but I’m not sure how to ask without it coming across as really creepy and weird if he wasn’t him or forgot the whole incident (though I doubt he’d forget).

I really do want to say something.  But beyond my passiveness and shyness stopping me.. I found out he’s younger than me by at least a year or two.  I’ve never liked someone younger and wanted to actually pursue it.  Unconventional, does it work?  I don’t know..  maybe I should stop worrying and over-thinking, but I really do think there’s something there from the number of times I seem to run into him..

Aaaand now I’m rambling.  I’ll shut up.  I know the advice I’d give is to go for it.  BUT AHHHH.  IT’S SO MUCH MORE NERVE-WRACKING THAN IT SOUUUUUUUNDS.  I like my list of excuses.  I’m such a girl.

Please.  Calm down, stop beating so rapidly, heart.  You’re making me think irrationally.  I can’t bear it.

DysfunctionalFamilies–mythoughts

I’m in a calm state right now which I think is perfect to talk about my family because I will be void of emotions that will sway my opinion into making someone seem worse or better than they actually are.

So here’s the thing: I think I’ve got the perfect description of my father.  

He has good intentions.  He tries to be a ‘good’ father.  He tries to help the family.  But because of his egotistic and prideful nature, he always puts himself first.  In that, he refuses to lose an argument, he is always right in his mind no matter what.  No matter what anyone says.  There is no arguing with him.  His ideas are always right, yours are always wrong.

If you even dare cross or tip toe the line anywhere near his pride and tell him he is wrong, you, my dear friend, are incinerated on the spot with foul words, put downs, and physical violence.  These are words and actions are the first of many things he will never take back or ever apologize for due to his nature.  He will always support his own actions no matter how illogical.  

He even defended himself when he went drunk once from drinking an entire bottle of red wine in one sitting, and to our family’s utter embarrassment, everyone else in our company, a tour bus, knew as well.  He never admitted to it and justified his actions and refused to admit being drunk despite my mother and brother’s confrontation of him and how scared my brother and I were.

I speculate that this behaviour of my father my entire life, is what led me to being so distant from people.  I adapted to a cold, distant father who could not see past his pride, and have had times where I deliberately tried to convince myself I needed no one, that I can be completely independent.  And I still do that sometimes.  Connection is something very difficult for me, particularly when it comes to guys.  I’m so, so scared of trusting or talking with anyone.  Even with immediate family, I cannot bear a hug or closeness, it makes me feel insanely vulnerable, akin to someone pointing a knife at my heart and escape is impossible.

My mother tries to deal with this by never crossing his pride and when she does, she swallows her pride and lets him have his way.  She tells us to do the same to avoid this confrontation in our family, because argument or discussion is futile.  I reiterate, he is always right.  

I guess every family has its dark secret.  I want to yell and tell the world all this sometimes.  But in the scheme of things, will anyone really care?  Is it really all that important?  I think I just need to be careful of how I feel and what I do more so, so that I never come to mimic his behaviour and let it affect me as little as possible.  But habits die hard.  It’s hard to break free of the idea that I need to help myself because no one else will.. as this is the idea that’s been reinforced my entire life.  

I’ll struggle with this my entire life, I know this much.  But I’ve got to move on past this constant disgust for my father.  But that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t like him still.  I honestly don’t know how to deal with this, beyond moving out.  My poor mother.. her naive nature and innocence lets him have his way, always.  I hate it.  She whispered her dreams of divorce once upon a time, envying her happily married friends, but nevertheless has always accepted defeat and sadness instead.

😦

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