MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “January, 2013”

I found what I was looking for during last school term.

By accident.  The guy I made eye contact with.  I didn’t even realize he was there, or that he was him.  I just got randomly introduced today by a friend while waiting outside for a tutorial.. he wasn’t even in.  Only realized AFTER the fact.  The pieces started coming together for the slow individual I am:

– #1: when our former TA for the class walked by and said hi he knew him, I realized he may have been in my class before

– #2: I got confirmation from him that he was part of that class

– #3: he had the same color hair & hairstyle.  Sadly enough, I just realized I wouldn’t have been able to describe his face besides acne scars on the side because I could barely even stand to look at anyone who looks at me out of pure shyness, and I can’t remember from the few glances I did have.  Take me as the lion from Wizard of Oz, if you will; courage = non-existent.  😦

But anyways.  

Huh.  What are the odds of that?

The up side is, because I didn’t recognize him, I treated him normally.  The downside is, I realized how stupendously slow I am.  I would hope he recognized me though.. I wear the same characteristic pieces of clothing & accessories.  EVERYWHERE.

But yeah.  Moral of the story?  DON’T BE A STUPID ANTI-SOCIAL CAN’T-LOOK-PEOPLE-IN-THE-FACE-NEVER-MIND-EYES WEIRDO OF AN IDIOT THAT I HAVE PROVEN MYSELF TO BE.  

Over ‘n out.

An anonymous soul’s regrets.

I’m just a face in the crowds.  A soul among souls.  A dot among infinite dots, all hoping to make a mark.

But I’m letting my past hold me back. I’m letting my regrets rule my world:

Sometimes, one of those dots influence me greatly.  Whether in admiration of them, or something more.  And I don’t do anything.  I stand.  I stare in awe.  I let it walk by me and out of my life, unaware.  Yet, I let the godly image stand in my mind, a viral being clutching onto my soul, mesmerizing me.  And I allow this infection to fester.  I let the light of the dot flourish to epic proportions in my imagination, and it takes over my mind.

Years pass.

No longer is it the dot it originally was. It is something more in my mind, it is something of pure imagination and fairy tale at that point.  Except, I’m so drawn in by my thoughts I cannot pull out.  I cannot see reality.  I can only see the incredible image I have projected onto the dot.

And then the day comes when I chance upon the dot again.  Perhaps a mere coincidence, perhaps something more of divine intervention.  Who knows.

Nevertheless.  I realize time changes, time moved forward and gave that godly dot an alternate path from the one I projected onto it.  The years of imagination shed away in an instant, with shock to replace my awe.  My idol is not my idol.  It’s the projection I gave the dot, my imagination of the knight in shining armor, that was the idol I desired as I unwittingly influenced its change in my mind, emphasizing points of greatness, and forgetting the dot’s weakness altogether.  That was an idol of perfection.  This is not.

And thus, I realize my reality and imagination fall on very different frequencies.  And the realization sets in: what else have I missed, have I lost, have I thrown away, by being entrapped in my over-thinking, over-creative mind?  My regrets spiral me further into my mind.  I want none of that.  I want no regrets.  But I take no actions.  I don’t have a need to be a dot that makes a mark anymore.

I simply want to be a dot who is happy and regrets little.  I hope I can do that much.

Depression.

Sometimes, I really feel like just breaking down in tears and giving up.  It’s good I’m not suicidal, cause I feel seriously horrendous, lost, and out of choices.  What the hell am I doing in something I hate so much.  Fuck it all.  I gotta pull through.  I gotta pull through.  I gotta pull through.  I don’t even know what for anymore,  maybe for that bullshit “degree” paper worth less than the paper its printed on.   but I gotta pull through.  I don’t know for who, but I gotta pull through.  One foot at a time.  My brain knows exactly what I need to do to excel– to force love out for the subject and exude a passion non-existant in real life.  To study it, understand it, cram it down my throat, eat it, digest it, and spit it all back out.  To bullshit through these 3-4 years.  And excel at it– applying my new bullshit to actual experiences to advance in the field.  I hope this bullshit gets me somewhere.  If not, I would be happy working at McDonald’s.  
 
It’s not worth it.  Not worth it at all.
 
Sometimes, giving up seems so much easier.  
 
Going to dunk my head in a bucket of Disney songs until I wash away that whiny bitchy fucking amazingly immature kid I’ve become.  And stop swearing.  Brb.

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