The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “November, 2012”

Uncharacteristically happy.

I just want to write a post while I’m in this mood.  I need an optimistic mood more often.  I’m not often like this, but I feel so happy for absolutely no reason.  Just.. nothing’s bringing me down at all.  I got 50-65% on my midterms, all of them, and I just got that news today.  But somehow, I’m finding it easy to move on and think, you know, I have another chance, and I’ll do better.  I’m even finding it funny I completely missed a page on the midterm in one. I just feel so carefree.

I love what I do for hobbies.  I love my sports.  I love my hobbies.  I like being me.  I love being unique.  I feel proud of myself for where I am today and for everything I’ve done.  I’m impressed.

I’m awesome.  Remember that now & always.=)

Reminiscing on Children’s Books

You know what’s funny?  In elementary school, I made a habit of hiding books under my stuffed animals so I could read them past my bedtime from the dim glow of the hallway light when my parents were downstairs .   Meanwhile, I’d be worlds away, immersed in a land of unicorns and jazz (no, seriously.  I loved unicorns & magical creatures).  And now.. now.  Haha. It’s hiding a computer.  I think a book is so tame and sweet compared to a computer. Somehow I don’t quite imagine younger children doing that anymore now adays.  Is that true?

How it all started.. my parents didn’t have time to care for me as they both worked full time and my younger sibling had just been born– so from preschool to grade 1, I had no understanding of anything academic.  My favorite activity was collecting & squishing wood bugs every day with my friend by jumping on masses of them (I was so mean ).  I stole things too from my elementary school.  There were scant number of highly coveted florescent crayons from my school.  EVERYONE wanted to use them.  Annnnd I think I stole a yellow one.  I rationalized this by saying to myself that I was protecting the crayons from being stolen by classmates by protecting it myself in my safe home.  Yes, I had insane logic.  I never did feel guilty.  I felt like I was doing the right thing.  I was the loud obnoxious kid the teacher would walk over to shush.  She told my mom I worked too little and talked too much.  (although this is something I really disagree with, my mom disciplined me to be quiet as a result.  So I was very proud and would tell her I kept quiet in Grade 2.  And I keep getting more and more quiet as the years pass.  I really hate this change.)  Anyways, bad behavior aside  (sorry, I went off the rails), my parents realized I was behind in English when I couldn’t read Dr. Seuss books — or any book for that matter, in grade 1.  I couldn’t write either.  I seriously remember my very first grade 1 “story”.  It was literally a nonsensical sentence with a spelling mistake in every other letter.  My mother ended up quitting her job to take care of my brother and I.  So she taught me to read.  And then.. this started in grade 2. That’s been one of the best things that ever happened to me.  I smartened up a LOT from grade 2 to 3 with their help.

So. Now I’m reminiscing on my old days.  It’s so sweet how many kids write to my favorite kid’s author.  It’s obvious he’s made a real impact on them for them to write to him with such enthusiasm.  I wish kids did more reading now a days!  There’s so much more substance and so many more worlds to explore than Twilight (sorry Stephanie Meyer)..

Sigh.  Reminiscing isn’t good for me.  Now I miss elementary school book fairs.

What is your MARKETABLE passion?

You know what I find is true of all walk of life?

People gravitate towards passionate people. 

This applies to both finding partners, hiring employers, etc.  We all like passionate people because they like what they do, so they will do it well, and do it happily.  And they will be genuine about it.  So then the problem arises: what if what you like to do is unmarketable?  Or, for me, both looked down upon by my parents and representative of a very small niche side business?

My technique of coping is.. pretending to like what I do for my studies.  But I feel myself dying inside.  I hate pretending.  With a passion.  I don’t feel genuine.  I feel like a fake.  A complete, utter fake.  A gigantic endless pit of nothing.  Sometimes I hear my classmates talk so passionately about school subjects like a hobby, but I can’t.  I smile weakly, feigning interest but my self-esteem dropping lower and lower.  Right now, jobs are sparse.  When only the top-notch people are chosen, it’s either from connections, where, hopefully you were able to demonstrate your genuine passion for the job or you gain some some nice shiny credentials complete with a load of meaningful experience and better yet, some awards to top that all up like the perfect burger.  Oh, I’ve got experience.  But it’s all forced; I force myself to get this experience to look good .. on paper.  I try to convince myself I like what I’m doing.  I try to be open and try new things.  But on the job, despite my best efforts, even working more time than others, I hardly ever perform as well.  But what do you do when you’ve otherwise run out of money and options to keep exploring for some secondary passion besides your unmarketable passion?

I can’t even discuss with with my parents.

When I tell them I don’t like what I do.. when I tell them this truth and start contemplating where I started to go wrong.. my father yells at me, turns violent,  and won’t give me my space.  Tells me he told me from the very beginning I was an idiot.  That he was all-seeing and knew it already.  I want to shut the door, but flings himself against it, holding it open, and furiously continues yelling.  My mother tells him to stop, that this doesn’t help, and he tells her he needs to reprimand me and put me in my place.

I’m really happy for those of you who have found a passion which you can find a job niche for.

I don’t know what to do in my case.  Maybe I’m trying too hard.  What would you do?

and here is where I go off-topic in my love of pondering life on the bus with what-if questions..

Something I’ve been thinking about these past few days, is how large of a variety of jobs would arise if large mechanical machines never existed at all.  So basically.. turning back time.  Clothing would be handmade, farming would be done on a smaller scale.. just a lot of jobs requiring labor would arise.  This almost seems like a utopian world to me.  It screams JOBS! JOBS! JOBS! to me in a much wider variety of work.  And it would be much more intuitive and apprentice/experience-based learning.  University wouldn’t be necessary.  I mean, heck, 4-8+ years to get a job?  Get a LIFE!  I would have so much I would love to do that would be conducive to the society whether it be ___________, ________ , _____, etc.  I just feel like people in general would appreciate all these things so much more as they take much more time, effort and love and they would be so much better made.  Time would be a lot slower, and people would be more peaceful in mind given the slower pace of life.

I really hate this fast, materialistic world that I think has caused many problems to arise, beyond simply lack of jobs, but also detrimental on a larger scale beyond simply us humans.  For us, I feel like it’s almost unrealistic the pace we’re moving at.  We keep trying to move ahead, to move faster and faster, but all that really means is putting more pressure on the future generations who have the burden to sprint to keep up with the faster movement of lifestyle, and go through more schooling to deal with it.  Is this really what we want?  I feel we’re almost treated like robots, going through a mechanical system.  The schools doesn’t care about you.   All they care about how much money they get from you.  Then they spit you back out, whether you’re ready or not for the unforgiving society that lies before you.  Then it’s up to you to make it or break it.  Some people get lucky.  Some people don’t.

I think we’re absolute apex predators that have been corrupted from having too much power like that of a dictator and on top of that, have too much energy to waste given our survival is very likely and food is abundant (or appears, despite my belief we are going over optimal yield far too much by means of technology to push it to the brink), that we’ve lost appreciation of nature, of what exists prior to our existence on this world.  Instead of enjoying what we have and what the world has to offer, we’re pushing for more and more.  To do so, we create artificial means such as technology, and the more we find, the more technology we’re more inspired to use, and the nasty cycle continues as we try to satisfy an infinite craving generation after generation.  So I do have to admit I wonder sometimes, how much better the world would be with the extinction of humans. Maybe this would allow a new, fresh, better start than this thoroughly molested dying world of ours, with only ourselves to blame for this mess.

My thoughts.  My two cents.

Doubts of a young mind.

Sometimes, I step back, take a second glance at my room ..and wonder if I’m a lunatic for going into ___.  My room fills me with more doubt than anything else in the world. I feel a bit like I’m leading a double life: a recluse ____ student parading as a _____ student.  It makes me really really sad.

Unparalleled neighbours

My neighbor is AMAZING.


I went to school 30minutes earlier than usual to get ot my midterm on time— but between the confusing frenzy of train patrols and ladies who couldn’t speak English at the train, I finally made out that  there was no way I could get there on time via public transit as no trains were heading the direction I needed from the station where I was.  On top of this, I was sick and head was hurting.  Was seriously calculating if I could pass this course without my 20% or if I could just get a sick note and skip the midterm altogether.  I called up my neighbor—and within all of 5 minutes, he met up with me and drove me to school.  Got to school 20minutes early.

Absolute lifesaver. I’ve got to do something for him and his wife.  They’re the sweetest couple I’ve ever met, they’ve been there for me from when I was young till now. ❤

If this isn’t creative, I don’t know what is.

As someone who rolls somewhere in the midst of sustainability & _____, this makes me incredibly giddy:

Cardboard Inspiration!

From one piece of cardboard DIY furniture ( Click! ), to an entire office ( Click! ).  Talk about awesomeness.  Too inspired to be creative at a moment when I should be inspired to study.  Whoops.

If YOU are too distracted to work now (sorry!  But admit it; that WAS awesome!).. then here are some more inspirational quotes to get you back on track (hopefully):

“You’re cheating yourself out of today. Today is calling to you, trying to get your attention, but you’re stuck on tomorrow, and today trickles away like water down a drain. You wake up the next morning and that today you wasted is gone forever. It’s now yesterday. Some of those moments may have had wonderful things in store for you, but now you’ll never know.” -Jerry Spinelli

Well. Okay. It doesn’t work with the distraction above. I just had to somehow stick that quote somewhere because I like it, haha.  I’ll shut up now.  Cheers & happy halloween to those of you who celebrate it!

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