MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Grief.

It’s the dead of the night.  And I just got jolted awake by immense sadness, crying, with tears streaming down my face.  It felt so real.  It was like.. my darkest fears come true.

We were in the dining room.  I saw my sibling’s unkempt state.  He looked down, and his clothing looked frumpy and over-sized, with a super-sized t-shirt and super baggy tan pants.  He looked like he didn’t care how he looked anymore.  I was genuinely concerned for once, and pressed/persisted in asking him if anything was wrong at at school, if he was okay.  He became very irritated at my persistence and denied everything, yet could not name his list of friends, save 3-4.  I told him I went through shit in elementary and part of high school and recognized his depressed, unhappy state like a mirror of my own.  My parents looked on throughout the whole ordeal and saw how I was only further annoying him in my fruitless attempt to get him to divulge if anything was wrong, when he finally became too disgusted and left.  I was organizing my three leaflets of chemistry notes on the floor when my mother approached me and told me in all seriously that they had decided to give me up to a foster family, insinuating, under no uncertain terms, that I merely annoyed the family and never got along with any of them, and that annoying my brother was the absolute last straw.

I wasn’t one of them.  And they didn’t want me.

I wasn’t shocked by this revelation.  And I wouldn’t be either if it happened in real life. See, my fear stems back to a certain day during my elementary school years, when my parents were driving us to the mall.  I vividly remember that moment.. because they told me a family friend’s friend had given up their child to adoption and they told me they would consider it for me.  They may have said it jokingly, but it stayed with me forever.  It’s a moment I will never forget, as it shook my faith in them caring about me to the very core and I’ve had an underlying fear of them giving me up ever since.  Please parents, I beg of you: if there’s one thing and only one thing you never joke about to a child, it’s the notion of giving them up. It’s such a terrible thing to do.  The feeling of being unwanted is horrendous.  Just.. trust me on that one.  I took it in all seriousness, as an underlying threat.

But I was so depressed I actually woke up, feeling the immense grief racking my chest, and cried.  It really hurt,  and it still does because it’s a story I’ve been scared of coming true in my whole life and I feel like it just happened to me.  I felt, and still feel, so upset and sad, tender, and heartbroken.

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