..with a fake smile plastered on.
While dying on the inside. My enthusiasm, forced. I tell people I love what I’m doing. I love what I’m studying.
I don’t. I dread it. I can go to school fine, and struggle through school fine and maybe even get above average if I try hard enough. But then comes the real challenge: how can I enjoy a job in the field? I’m dreading everything I do. I want to curl up in my room and deal with nothing. I dread having to find experience related to my field. Take a look at my room, and you will know where my passions lie.
I’m a liar. To myself and to others.
You know the saying fake it till you make it?
Well.. I never learned. That certainly applies when helping myself gain confidence. But.. faking what you love? It’s impossible. Talented enough, and you could trick others. You could spruce up your resume all pretty and pretend to be all that while impressing everyone. But yourself? You know. You know the truth deep down. The truth that will never be uprooted. One that cannot be pushed, pulled, or forced away no matter your actions. You will merely drown in your lies. You will drown in stress, depression, fear, and all the physical side effects. You see. I’m only __. Yet.. my hair is falling out from stress of dealing with things I don’t want to deal and I’ve actually physically felt myself to be on the brim of getting sick, as a release for all my pent-up frustration and stress with (and then immediately fell sick after that semester) but force myself to so I can be the person I present myself to be. My facade.
I really need to do something for myself.
Me, oh, melodramatic me. Whatever will I do with me? Can you tell I’m back in school? I’m such a depresso!