MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Archive for the month “August, 2012”

You are a piece of me.

For every person I meet, they leave a part of them in me.  I am unique, yet not, for I am but a collective of the individuals I’ve met.  I’m the one and only me, because only I’m the only one who has met the perfect combination of people who helped make the perfect secret formula. Who came, left, or stuck to your life?  You, are composed of all of them.  I wonder what other people have experienced, the people they have met, been inspired by, scarred by, or nurtured by, that has made them who they are.

Who made you, you?

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Sometimes, I wonder.

What if we woke up everyday as a different person, remembering only that one person’s thoughts?  I wonder what you would see.  I wonder what painful or joyful pasts you would feel.  The person you loved?  You were him and he was you only a few days ago.  You knew, he knew.  But divided by shyness, you are not one, but two segregated souls, searching, searching, and never finding because words form a barrier thicker than emotion, segregating yearning from reality.  Perhaps someone sees, someone understands, but as for you two,  you both forgot, remembering only what the physical being you are now, remembers.  Perhaps we are already living this, but can’t remember.  What if?

And now, what if there were no barriers of shyness and control, but emotions ran freely and openly?  You would know the instant you fall for him and you would know immediately if he mirrored your feelings.  What if history was laid out, and everyone knew what everyone else went through?  Misunderstanding, no longer an issue, suppressed feelings, no longer viable, and the reality of people’s souls come into light.  For this, I wish for.  I only hope that anger or bitter feelings would not ruin such a beautiful state.  What a beautiful world then.  Everyone, acting open and true to their feelings for it would not be possible to fake.  Their passions even, their hobbies, their very state of minds.. all disclosed.  Privacy?  Privacy does not exist when you are one in such a close way.

I wonder how it’s like when disclosure is the norm.

“What you want most you push away from you.
You want more than you care to admit.”
Tarjei Vesaas, The Bridges

 

My song of the moment: “So sick”

In a year or two, you will look back and laugh, shaking your head, wondering why you were so sappy and weird.   Be strong, me!  Be strong!  For yourself.  Your yearnings. Your desires.

You will live another day!  So chin up, cheer up!

The epitome of my life: Busy-ness

I swear this is the epitome of my life nowadays. I’m practically drowning as a result of my push to jampack activities into my schedule.

What I mean: An eloquent way of hitting the nail on the head.

Real food for thought.  Are you “busy”?  Perhaps it’s about time to make time for yourself.  Stop putting up a “busy” front for once.  And give yourself the time and space you need to allow a humane & realistic treatment of yourself.

Growing Up Poor

When I was young, money was extremely tight.  My mother was a stay-at-home mom, and my father had lost his job.  This was when I was in grade 2.  I very distinctly remember, the one toy I wanted so badly, the $30 one electronic dog, I was only rewarded after working hard for 3 months on household chores and such.  My work rewards were dollar store gifts- like pencils and erasers.  Until I reached high school, all my clothing were hand-me-downs donated by my cousin or family friends.  (I didn’t see it as shameful back then but I’ve got to say it left a huge impact on me and my confidence in myself– my elementary school classmates often teased me for what I wore on days when uniforms were unnecessary.  But that’s a whole other story.)

From these past experiences when I was younger, I’m used to being frugal.  I coupon sometimes.  I buy the cheapest possible items.

However, over the past decade or so, my father has found a well-paying job.

So now, I honestly can’t adjust.  Sometimes I hear my parents throwing money — over $100 / lesson every week at a drop in the bucket- for my sibling, because they can afford.  Worst of all, I can see my younger brother does not have the same appreciation and value for the money being spent on his education because unlike me, he grew up surrounded by a better money situation.  He doesn’t try hard at the opportunities the money has paved way for.  He doesn’t see how hard it is to earn money in this day and age.  It’s all taken for granted.  It’s so heart wrenching.  My parents don’t see that their new found money is ruining my younger brother.  See, they’re using money now to patch up everything even slightly imperfect life; he has 3 tutoring teachers to improve his grades, private piano, violin, badminton lessons, swimming, among other things.

I want to break down in tears so bad sometimes, seeing all this.  I know I’m too frugal given our current money situation, but .. I think an appreciation for money and a bit of frugality is necessary in order to respect and value the opportunities money provides.  I really appreciate the opportunities I currently have and try my hardest to succeed at all I do because I know I am privileged to be able to have a house to live in, food to eat, and education partially covered.  I hope my sibling will come to the same realization one day and be able to see this. For now, however, he remains blind.

My heart’s being a brat.

In my mind, I’ve steeled myself to finish my degree.  And hopefully I do.

But my heart is somewhere frolicking in another land.  And it’s trying to pull my mind down with it.

I think.. I’ve gone down the entirely wrong career path.  Once again.  Either that, or my heart has suddenly had a change of “heart” and decided to live its rebellious teenage years to the fullest.

In other news, I’m in a really weird blogging mood.  My posts are so short.  And my sentences even shorter.

It’s a sign.

My nose is a bleeding machine today.

 

Must be too many hot guys out.  Mmm. =)

Dear family, please listen.

I don’t feel like I’m being heard.
I say something I think you could do better. And a defensive barrier props up.  And the replies come hurtling back as criticism about me. and what’s  wrong with me and the other family members.  Sometimes even as rash fowl language and the reinforcement that you own everything, and I have owed you my entire life and should never have come into existence.  Never about yourself.

I say something about my life that I want only be heard out.  Instead you don’t see this and argue to help me. You give me advice you want me to act upon to solve my issue.  I don’t want your help to handle my life.  And no, I don’t think it makes me a cold person when I want my space and want to try and solve things my own way.

I’m so frustrated.

In this family, no one’s ever wrong.  You’re always right.  And that’s what’s breaking us apart.

Arrogance.  Selfishness.  Lack of empathy.
Most of all?  Not listening for the message.  Not hearing with an open mind, but with a closed, defensive one that refuses to acknowledge any possibility of wrongdoing.

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