MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

Stress.

I am a little stressed.  I need to talk about it and get it off my chest and continue on with life.  So here it is.

I’ve turned down about 7 jobs for this elusive job that.. at long last, I got verbally offered.  I think I’m quite well grounded in reality in that I was highly aware going in that verbal offers != actual offers until that letter of offer is issued and signed and careful to trust this offer and continued applying to jobs until it got too tiring.  1.5 months later, the process is still being worked on.  I was not overtly worried to begin with as this is quite typical for this organization but the latest update has me a little scared. I have been told there has been a “snag” in the human resources processes and that hopefully more information can be shared at a later date.  The vagueness of this statement in stark contrast to the detailed specifics provided in previous messages gives me great unease to think that my hiring may be jeopardized by the newest developments.

I think I will re-continue applying to jobs.  I am sad about this update and I am quite unsure about where this will go.

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When you feel like you meet someone so right, but then that one deal breaker means no.

Finding people is tough.  It is so tough to find good compatibility.

Some people like polyamory
Some people are too introverted
Some people want children, some people don’t.
Some people drink, some people don’t.
Some people’s perspective on life is so different.

Then after all of that, are you two able to banter and have open communication?

It’s so damn fucking tough.

There was one person I thought was quite perfect.  The epitome of perfect.  We were hitting everything, perspectives, views, goals, ambitions, locations.  The way we thought and perceived the world was just on point.  Neither of us wanted kids.

And then it came out.  He loved drinking.  I do not.  For me, this was fine, but I could see for him, it was absolutely not

And that was that.  In afterthought, his incredibly disappointed exclamation of “that is so unfortunate!”  was entirely right.  I think it is too.  We seemed so perfect.  I’m really, really disappointed over this one.  He has the personality and qualities of a person that I think are incredibly rare and hard to find.  He genuinely has an amazing soul.

I’m sad and I feel vulnerable.

I got two jobs.  I am going to reject a job.  My parents were not entirely happy with my decision.  First, it was that I didn’t go for the cushy clerk government job.  Then, it was all about the money.  Low paying, contract, with no benefits.

I was happy.  I thought it was a good opportunity to gain experiences in a variety of things, to help make big changes in a small organizations.  To make it better.  I thought it was a place I could go to do things I love.

No.  They spent the entire dinner talking about the pay, the employment insurance, how I need to think more about the pension after I retire. Money.

I need to be dependent on myself, but they have instilled concern in me for my retirement.  I feel insecure, regretful, and sad.  They hit me where I was most vulnerable and twisted a knife in me.

I recognize I have a choice in feeling this way.  They can say what they can say, but I can accept or reject it.  I need to learn to believe in myself.

I feel so down.

I have a problem. Emotional detachment.

I just learned something new from overthinking the situation with the guy.  I’d never experienced someone explicitly stating attraction, engaging physically, and asking that much of my time.  I had no idea of where I stood in what I wanted out of it, where it was going, the pace it was going, and if I was okay with it all.  On top of this, I was jobless and stressed about finding a job.

In having never gone this far with a guy before, and particularly even more pronounced (although that 100% related) with my stress from job search, I was physically, mentally, and psychologically overwhelmed.  I could not think or understand my feelings and him and failed to trust him and emotionally detached (read: shut down) myself from the whole situation with him, and became rather cold in doing so, in an attempt to cope and view the situation objectively, and to deal with the unexplored territory.

I just realized I SHUT DOWN in all situations I get emotionally overwhelmed by and don’t know how to cope.  With my parents, when I actively tried to detach myself from them, emotionally. With this summer, where I suddenly found myself having lost all emotion for my lab mates after the terrible argument.   And I have no idea how to change this.  Once the I have detached myself from the person or situation, I find it immensely difficult to recover the feelings that were once there. 

I think I finally understand where he is coming from.

I think I finally understand why he does what he does.  He tells me he likes me because I’m authentic.  And then he makes out at every chance possible.  Cooks for me.  Netflix & chill.  Walks.  Listens to my needs. He’s respectful of me as possible and acts caring and mindful of my needs.  And tells me he likes me a lot and sees potential and that he’s a lot happier ever since I came along.  Yet, he refuses to commit by saying he wants to keep things unlabeled because it “complicates” things and after a month, still says he is “open” to anything.  I felt strung along.  My gut was shrieking in alarm from the first date onward, from the sheer speed of his desire to hang out and the speed of the ‘I miss you” ‘s and “I like you” ‘s.  I didn’t understand where things were going or why they were going so fast.  I felt used, even when my boundaries were respected.  And I think, with good reason.  Here are my final thoughts on this:  

I think.. he misses the intimacy, having someone to talk to, being wanted, to cuddle and watch movies with, and someone to talk to. To kiss, to do whatever you want. Everything you get in a committed relationship.

He’s looking for the same thing in dating.  He craves this intimacy.  But because of this, he’s jumping ahead of himself. maybe not necessarily intentionally. But he is jumping right to what he wants, the intimacy and late night outings and hang outs at the first sign of compatibility. First and second date, ask him what he liked most about it.  Not the talks, not getting to know me.  It was the making out part. Let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, that he’s doing so without really noticing, perhaps, he jumped ship and missed out on fully getting to know me for who I am and if I am the right person. No questions because he enjoys and is truly happy to have me around, but it’s more for the companionship than for me being who I am.  He loves me for filling that loneliness he felt for so long.

And that’s what doesn’t sit right with me. You say that you are open to anything and want no labels, but that’s because you didn’t truly try to get to know me. You just like the companionship I offer. I am in no way lonely or seeking absolutely anyone for companionship. I want someone I can bond with in a real sort of way.  In this way, I am not getting my needs met because I want someone who wants me for being me. And that’s what doesn’t sit right with me. You don’t ask about me to find out who I am, because you don’t care. You are essentially just taking what I can give you. You want the perks of a relationship without the commitment. And that’s why you don’t want to commit.

He’ll care about me and be mindful just like in a relationship, in this pseudo-relationship that make him feel like a good person.  He tells me he likes being a good person and protecting the vulnerable.

I understand.  You want to feel like a good person.  Of course you’ll do that.

I know he has very strong moral standards so I do not think he lied about anything.  He was always authentically himself, just like how he liked others. He always likes to live up to his strong moral standards. So everything he told me was true. I made him happy (so he’s not lonely), he really needed romantic intimacy (to fill his unmet needs), he really liked me (for what intimacy I gave him), and he misses me a lot all the time (for the intimacy I gave). And that he wanted to leave things open and unlabeled and to see where things go because labels complicate things (beyond where he wants to go with me).

These “hang outs”  (not “dates”, as he so adamantly stated), were never about me.  It was about everything you could get out of me.

Goodbye, m’dear.  Thank you for the life lesson.  “It was fun”.. figuring you out.

I have now learned something new:  What do I want most out of a relationship? It’s not just the physical intimacy.  Those are all about me. Anyone could give me that.  Those are selfish feelings.  I want a best friend.  Someone who is intimately in sync, emotionally and physically.  Where we bring out the best in each other.  We can talk for hours and days and never get bored. We can laugh and have fun all the time.  We enjoy each other’s presence and companionship. It’s easy. With physical intimacy as a wonderful bonus. Someone who I can talk with for hours and hours and feel like we know each other better than anyone else will know either of us.  Where a glance can tell you anything.  Where your emotions are completely open and vulnerability is freely given because we both want to.  I think I finally understand myself now.  I understand why I am so demisexual leaning.  I feel like being a “demisexual” is really another term for someone who is emotionally healthy and ready for a healthy, balanced relationship.  At least by my definition.

 

And here’s the email I wanted so badly to send to him.  Pretending to be naively unaware of his intentions:

X, can I share some observations I realized after the fact that I think may help you, moving forward?  If you don’t feel up for it, that is okay.  I just wanted to offer.

I think I finally understand why we were on such different pages throughout this thing we had.  Maybe you really weren’t looking for anything serious.  I don’t want to make assumptions.  But if or when you look for a serious relationship, I don’t think romantic intimacy should play the largest role in the beginning. A lot of people can give you romantic intimacy.  The feels you get from it make you feel good and want to follow up on it because it’s something humans all crave – feeling loved.  It feels like real love, but it’s very much temporary and transient unless if both of you actually love the person for who they actually are.  I think it was the transient feelings of companionship, the hugs, and the intimacy I gave you that were what you loved and chased after and that it was not so much about who I was. You were chasing after the feeling, while I was chasing after the right person. The feelings were what you remembered and missed the most from your former relationship and you liked me for giving you that. Although you cared about me, finding out who I was as a person, beyond surface level, felt very much secondary or low priority to that to me. I think that’s why we never saw eye to eye on the romantic intimacy vs mental/emotional connection.

I also think we have different definitions of love.  “Love” is not physical intimacy.  Some semblance of compatibility is not enough, it is not a real connection.  Real love, platonic or otherwise, to me, occurs when you come across someone who you jive with so much that you want to know everything about them and who you want to share everything with.  You could just sit and laugh and talk all night and still feel like it’s not enough.  It’s the most beautiful timeless connection I think you could get.  You just admire and love and feel loved, cared for, understood, and respected without any form of physical intimacy necessarily, because you are, in the highest sense.  Not for what you can give to each other, but for who you are.  But because you love each other for who you are so much, you will by extension, have amazing, incredibly genuine intimacy in all senses and trust each other deeply.  I think it’s incredibly tough to comprehend without having experienced it before in any friendship, romantic, or familial capacity.

I felt drained from the fact that I was giving you my perception of intimacy – trying to understand you as a person, to love you as a person, and to talk, to care about you.  You shared yourself with me, which I appreciated and I tried to get to know you, but I felt like there was little curiosity in finding out who I was.  I felt like I was a stand in for a role you wanted a temporary fixture for.  I did not feel understood. By our contrasting definitions of love, I very much did feel loved in your sense, just not by my definition. The lack of willingness to name what we had and to call it ‘dating’ re-enforced this feeling of mine, even if that was not your intention. Maybe you meant to keep me  to fill the intimacy craving, a transient act of love and happiness.  But no matter.  For this reason, I felt like I was really not desired as a serious long term prospect as a partner and opted to remove myself from this role I did not want.  I am not stating this in an accusatory way nor do I bear any ill will towards you, but I am stating this more of as a matter of fact so hopefully you can understand where I am coming from.  This does not change the fact that I like you as a person and I am incredibly sad and torn this did work out. I would actually be completely up for trying this again if we can fix this. 

I could be wrong, but this was what I understood from observing you.  Hopefully I have left you with something from which you can learn more about yourself from.  You don’t necessarily have to agree with me.  It’s only one point of view that I wanted to share.  You are good person with strong morals, X.  I wish you all the best.

 


Friendships: You are genuine, empathetic, and enjoy deep / open / vulnerable conversations. I care about getting to know you as a person. I am genuinely interested in friendships-without-benefits.

Relationships: It’s not just physical intimacy. Anyone could give me that. I want a best friend, so I suppose starting off as friends would be my ideal. Where we bring out the best in each other. Where we can laugh and have fun. Where we enjoy each other’s presence and companionship. Where it’s easy. Where we are genuinely curious about each other. With physical intimacy as a bonus, but not the entire foundation holding the relationship together. Someone who I can talk with for hours and hours and feel like we know each other better than anyone else will know either of us. Where your emotions are completely open and vulnerability is freely given because we both are eager and excited to share with each other. I don’t like transient, superficial love. I like to love deeply. And I’m willing to take it slow to find it.

Funny coincidence, I think I saw his (grn colour) jeep outside the Laughing Bean Coffee.  I think.. he was dating someone new.  Barely 4 days after I ended it.  That’s nuts.  No matter.  Maybe I’ve twisted his reasoning.. but he says he is impulsive.  He also says he chases after feelings (intimacy).  And that he’s dated a whole shit ton of people.  And he’s not willing to commit.  Based on my observations, I think he is a serial dater (rushes things, won’t ask questions about me aka, no nurturing of emotional intimacy, wants to keep it light and fun without labels, too smooth & confident, sex/physical intimacy). And he’s trying to be more reactive.  I also think, by extension, he seeks instant gratification (reactive, impulsive, chases feelings, “liking” me too fast too soon – it was the kissing not me he liked).

Whereas, I am proactive and not impulsive.  I like my way of dating.

But really.. 

… yeah, ok.  I admit I antagonized him a lot more than he actually is.  I need it to let go of him.  Besides his unwillingness to commit to a label, liking me too soon, being open to everything, and calling me an endearment too soon and being too smooth, he’s a very sweet, mature, and thoughtful person with strong integrity.  He was willing to drive me and take me places, respect my boundaries 100%, make me food.. the perfect person.  If it weren’t for the fact I was dating him and he wants nothing from me a in a platonic sense, I think we could have been very good friends.  He had a good head on his shoulders and I strongly, strongly admired him for that.  Pity that I’m only a fleeting dating prospect.  Here today, gone tomorrow.  Poof.  If I trusted him more, if he actually tried to get to know me more, and if he gave it a label, I would have stayed.  I could see the hurt in his eyes when I said I did not prioritize dating.  It affected him a lot. His face grew very serious and rigid.  He immediately sat facing away from me to think about what I said.  And then told me that the intimacy and told me about the beauty of being with another person.  He also talked a little about codependency, which I could kind of see, I guess.  I feel bad for that one.  It was like saying I did not prioritize him.  I was a complete inconsiderate ass there.  Maybe in some way, he did want a serious relationship   But he wanted to have fun to get there.  I did not.  I wanted something more serious.

What if I treated it as a part of something fun? Not a means to an end?

Here’s what I think.  What if I treated this position as an opportunity to learn something new and to grow and help the industry rather than a means to an end?  So, regardless of career, what if I treated it as a part of the journey that is life and enjoyed it?  It is most definitely an amazing opportunity.  So regardless of whether it goes anywhere, if I enjoy it and learn something new, that’s all that matters.

My original perspective was treating it as 3 years of a part of a means to get a career.  If I treated it as a part of a journey to learn, I think I would enjoy it.  Maybe I will not have a stable career or no guarantee of it, but the experience would be worth the 3 years.

Let me mull this over a little more.

The moment that you realize your family was poorer than people who surround(ed) you

  • Elementary school:
    • When all your clothing are hand-me-downs from cousins, and laughably unfashionable.  I was so embarrassed, people laughed.
    • When you could not watch the TV shows others watched because your family didn’t have the channels.
  • High school:
    • Giving gifts to friends hurt.  They all wanted to give a ~$10+ gift to each other, which would add up to $150-200.  I didn’t work and relied on my allowance of $20 per month and didn’t want to do this.  When I told them I didn’t want to do it and told them I expected nothing in return, and scrounged up something small for each of them, one of them took me aside and said they expected something bigger than this.  That this was not enough.
  • Post-Secondary:
    • When they talk about being “foodies” and about all the best restaurants in town.  I could name none.  We ate at the cheapest restaurants we could.  Which were always the same one or two, the ones that could not compare to the “foodie”s’ tastes.

—-

What I realize I like now: double entendres & banter.  Although I’m usually too fucking slow to pick up the fucking underlying meaning until weeks later. Fuck.

Today was a bad day. But it’s ok.

My supervisor provided huge support in getting me an interview for a beautiful position I could only dream of.

I worked myself up far too much, read too much into it, and ultimately submitted a disastrous written part.

It was horrible.

I felt horrible.  Frustrated.  Mad.  And sad.

But I forgive myself.

A question I ask myself now is: What have I learned from this experience?

To calm down.  Read.  Follow directions.  And budget time better.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

Deep questions I like asking about to find out about people

What was the toughest but most rewarding lesson to learn in life for you?  How to be myself

What was the one moment or time that changed your perspective and consequently, your actions or decisions thereafter?  My realization that I always had a choice.  In the event of something negative, I used to passively blame it on someone, and feel sorry for myself and not do anything about it and let myself get depressed and sad.  Now, when this happens, I now go “Yes, I acknowledge and accept that this happened and I forgive myself if I did it.  Now, what have I learned from this experience and what will I do differently next time?”

What makes a good friend?

What do you look for in a person in relationships and friendships?

World, I met someone really special.

I’ve never experienced being able to just sit and chat all day, everyday, without getting bored or awkward. In fact, I wanted to be there, I felt so happy and content just chatting. I felt like I could share anything and everything with him and know I’d be fine, and I did for the most part.  He did the same, and we were pretty much joined at the hip for the last 3 weeks, after we first broke through a kind of barrier one night and started talking about personal things like families and relationships.  Our views were incredibly similar and we even liked the same things.  We played piano duets, watched the stars, teased each other, and shared our views on our co-workers, among other things.

So this is how chemistry feels like.  It’s sad that we are on opposite sides of the world, but I think this will be one friendship that will last the test of time and distance.  We just got each other.  We were both so comfortable and open and genuine with each other.  It was incredible. It was beautiful. But it was heartbreaking having him leave.  I cried for the first time ever, for someone leaving, and felt comfortable crying in front of him.  He teared up too.

This incredibly intimate friendship has changed my perspective in what I now seek in friendships and relationships.

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