I’m going to let it out so I can be free to accept it, manage it, and in the long run, make it mine to resolve. And just like everything else, I accept that it will only come with time.
I can make all the excuses in the world, throw pity at myself, blame my history, and drown in the feeling. But I must accept that this is a situation I have very decidedly pushed myself into.
I feel lonely. That’s it. It sounds simple, but it’s not something simple to solve. And funnily enough, I thought it would be solved when I got back and settled back here. But it didn’t. I no longer have many connections here and more so, no close connections. I thought I’d be surrounded by people my age. Surrounded by friends.
I’m surrounded by strangers. And I struggle to connect. I think it might be my fault. It might be the folly of large cities. Some of this, some of that.
I yearn for intimacy, for closeness, for people to talk to me, for hugs, for people to understand me. A social aspect to my life. Yet, at the same time, I fear it a lot. I need to get over my fear. Objectively, I was also far too picky. Everyone has something wrong, and then even a first date doesn’t work out because I hesitate. I’m passive. I feared the unknown. The hurdle that I blamed my past on. I need to move on from my past and learn to live.
It hurts, almost to a physical point.
Loneliness is very psychologically painful. And physically painful. This, I have learned.
It is time for me to move on and embrace the future and stop embracing the past. Easier said than done, but it will happen. I will make it happen.