MindWanderings

The thoughts & ramblings of a young mind

What if I treated it as a part of something fun? Not a means to an end?

Here’s what I think.  What if I treated this position as an opportunity to learn something new and to grow and help the industry rather than a means to an end?  So, regardless of career, what if I treated it as a part of the journey that is life and enjoyed it?  It is most definitely an amazing opportunity.  So regardless of whether it goes anywhere, if I enjoy it and learn something new, that’s all that matters.

My original perspective was treating it as 3 years of a part of a means to get a career.  If I treated it as a part of a journey to learn, I think I would enjoy it.  Maybe I will not have a stable career or no guarantee of it, but the experience would be worth the 3 years.

Let me mull this over a little more.

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The moment that you realize your family was poorer than people who surround(ed) you

  • Elementary school:
    • When all your clothing are hand-me-downs from cousins, and laughably unfashionable.  I was so embarrassed, people laughed.
    • When you could not watch the TV shows others watched because your family didn’t have the channels.
  • High school:
    • Giving gifts to friends hurt.  They all wanted to give a ~$10+ gift to each other, which would add up to $150-200.  I didn’t work and relied on my allowance of $20 per month and didn’t want to do this.  When I told them I didn’t want to do it and told them I expected nothing in return, and scrounged up something small for each of them, one of them took me aside and said they expected something bigger than this.  That this was not enough.
  • Post-Secondary:
    • When they talk about being “foodies” and about all the best restaurants in town.  I could name none.  We ate at the cheapest restaurants we could.  Which were always the same one or two, the ones that could not compare to the “foodie”s’ tastes.

—-

What I realize I like now: double entendres & banter.  Although I’m usually too fucking slow to pick up the fucking underlying meaning until weeks later. Fuck.

Today was a bad day. But it’s ok.

My supervisor provided huge support in getting me an interview for a beautiful position I could only dream of.

I worked myself up far too much, read too much into it, and ultimately submitted a disastrous written part.

It was horrible.

I felt horrible.  Frustrated.  Mad.  And sad.

But I forgive myself.

A question I ask myself now is: What have I learned from this experience?

To calm down.  Read.  Follow directions.  And budget time better.

Tomorrow will be a new day.

Deep questions I like asking about to find out about people

What was the toughest but most rewarding lesson to learn in life for you?  How to be myself

What was the one moment or time that changed your perspective and consequently, your actions or decisions thereafter?  My realization that I always had a choice.  In the event of something negative, I used to passively blame it on someone, and feel sorry for myself and not do anything about it and let myself get depressed and sad.  Now, when this happens, I now go “Yes, I acknowledge and accept that this happened and I forgive myself if I did it.  Now, what have I learned from this experience and what will I do differently next time?”

What makes a good friend?

What do you look for in a person in relationships and friendships?

World, I met someone really special.

I’ve never experienced being able to just sit and chat all day, everyday, without getting bored or awkward. In fact, I wanted to be there, I felt so happy and content just chatting. I felt like I could share anything and everything with him and know I’d be fine, and I did for the most part.  He did the same, and we were pretty much joined at the hip for the last 3 weeks, after we first broke through a kind of barrier one night and started talking about personal things like families and relationships.  Our views were incredibly similar and we even liked the same things.  We played piano duets, watched the stars, teased each other, and shared our views on our co-workers, among other things.

So this is how chemistry feels like.  It’s sad that we are on opposite sides of the world, but I think this will be one friendship that will last the test of time and distance.  We just got each other.  We were both so comfortable and open and genuine with each other.  It was incredible. It was beautiful. But it was heartbreaking having him leave.  I cried for the first time ever, for someone leaving, and felt comfortable crying in front of him.  He teared up too.

This incredibly intimate friendship has changed my perspective in what I now seek in friendships and relationships.

Let’s talk about the society and problems I am encountering.

During my research, I spiraled from incredible stress, to my mental health deteriorating to a physical manifestation, that resulted in me almost ending up hospitalized. I was so weak and tired I could barely sit for 30 minutes before falling asleep.  Intellectually, I know I am capable of doing a masters, no problem.  But I am in no way willing to compromise my mental or physical health for it.  I would rather end up in an ice cream shop than compromise it.  This was why I almost dismissed research entirely.  My health is the one thing to me right now that is worth more than work.  Here is an article that sums up my feelings well.

I feel like I live outside the bubble of society and am just an outsider staring in from a different perspective.  More and more, I find our culture as a whole to be incredibly fake and disingenuous.  What is with all these masks people put up?  I have come to realize there is no harm in being yourself, being open, and genuine in all your interactions.  How else do you get to know someone without this?  I am saddened about the superficiality and lack of genuine communication and consequently, lack of genuine connection because people are unwilling to open up easily.  It is difficult to find people who are willing to be themselves.

I know what I seek.

People who have profound thoughts, profound thinkers who are willing to discuss and articulate it are those who I relate to the best.  It’s something I’ve developed that I love doing.  They are commonly the ones who are most self-aware.  It is why I dislike conversations and talking with those younger and sometimes those older – often conversations are insincere or shallow.

 

“.. they found that the relationships that had lasted around five years tended to refer to how much they enjoyed their partner’s personality and their physical chemistry. They found that the relationships that lasted around 10 years tended to refer to how important communication was to working through any problems or trust issues. But they found, by far, the relationships that lasted 20 or more years almost universally said what kept them going beyond good communication, physical chemistry, and even trust was that they respected their partner.

Ever since then I’ve noticed how absolutely true this seems to be.” -Redditor

I agree.

I have a feeling..

Last guy who definitely liked me:

  • tried to justify everything I said as what he agreed on too
  • touched me on my back when I walked through a door, etc
  • created situations where we were alone
  • remembered details about me

This time, the guy I highly suspect likes me:

  • stood in front of me, facing me, way way too close (Feb 2?) more than once
  • mentioned single, previous dates, & exes
  • sided & agreed with my opinions and ideas
  • seemed to be trying to prove himself to me
  • remembered details about me
  • tries to respect my values and things I don’t do (eg. not drinking) by saying he wouldn’t bring X drink or drink at all

He ain’t half-bad looking, he’s pretty smart (although I am pretty damn stupid in politics and everything else..), we seem to have similar interests, and he seems socially well-adjusted.  Just.. uh, 5 years younger as far as I know.  F.  I need to weasel my age in somehow.  See if that makes a difference at all.  I don’t know what to do.  Stupid stupid stupid.  I need to fucking grad and see people my age.  I don’t want to make age a huge huge issue because I believe that getting along well mentally is far more important but damn, 5 years is a bit of a stretch..

One more guy I suspected briefly:

  • offered, not even second week into the job, to drive over to my place to bring me a book he thought could be useful for my work.  I told him to bring it to work instead.  Next day he said it may not be entirely relevant to my research and didn’t bring it.

My new list of things I look for.

  • Willing to be emotionally vulnerability
  • Empathetic
  • Willing to be themselves / genuine
  • Self acceptance; acknowledging both strengths and weaknesses
  • Open minded
  • Willingness to try new things
  • Love nature
  • Chemistry / connection
  • Profound, thoughtful thinkers
  • “I don’t need affection in that I’m fine being alone and don’t go stircrazy without it, but inside a relationship I really enjoy frequent physical affection. I like touch and cuddling, and I love getting spontaneous hugs, rubs, kisses, an arm around me. Not constantly, and I don’t want to be attached at the hip [or forced affection], but small gestures make me really happy.”

Recipes I’ve tried

Best Big, Fat, Chewy Chocolate Chip Cookie

Chocolate-y chocolate chip cookie

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